1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:30,000 Subtitles downloaded from https://kickasssubtitles.com 2 00:00:39,508 --> 00:00:42,170 As the 21st century began... 3 00:00:42,277 --> 00:00:45,804 human evolution was at a turning point. 4 00:00:45,914 --> 00:00:50,851 Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest... 5 00:00:50,953 --> 00:00:54,514 the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest... 6 00:00:54,623 --> 00:00:58,457 a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man... 7 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,960 now began to favor different traits. 8 00:01:01,063 --> 00:01:02,963 The Joey Buttafuoco case- 9 00:01:03,065 --> 00:01:06,865 Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized... 10 00:01:06,969 --> 00:01:09,062 and more intelligent. 11 00:01:09,171 --> 00:01:13,198 But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. 12 00:01:13,308 --> 00:01:15,276 A dumbing down. 13 00:01:15,377 --> 00:01:17,402 How did this happen? 14 00:01:17,513 --> 00:01:20,778 Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. 15 00:01:20,883 --> 00:01:23,408 With no natural predators to thin the herd... 16 00:01:23,519 --> 00:01:26,818 it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most... 17 00:01:26,922 --> 00:01:31,052 and left the intelligent to become an endangered species. 18 00:01:32,227 --> 00:01:36,687 Having kids is such an important decision. 19 00:01:36,799 --> 00:01:38,232 We're just waiting for the right time. 20 00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:40,665 It's not something you want to rush into, obviously. 21 00:01:40,769 --> 00:01:42,669 No way. 22 00:01:42,771 --> 00:01:45,171 Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again! 23 00:01:45,274 --> 00:01:48,368 Shit! I got too many damn kids! 24 00:01:48,477 --> 00:01:51,708 - I thought you was on the pill or some shit! - Hell, no! 25 00:01:51,814 --> 00:01:53,782 Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany. 26 00:01:53,882 --> 00:01:56,009 Brittany? No, you didn't! 27 00:01:56,118 --> 00:01:59,178 - There's no way we could have a child now. - Mm-mm. 28 00:01:59,288 --> 00:02:01,256 Not with the market the way it is, no. 29 00:02:01,356 --> 00:02:03,688 God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense. 30 00:02:03,792 --> 00:02:06,727 Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you! 31 00:02:06,829 --> 00:02:09,491 Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here. 32 00:02:09,598 --> 00:02:12,863 - She don't mean nothin' to me, baby! - Clevon! 33 00:02:12,968 --> 00:02:16,028 Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me! 34 00:02:16,138 --> 00:02:19,437 Well, we finally decided to have children... 35 00:02:19,541 --> 00:02:23,568 and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well. 36 00:02:23,679 --> 00:02:25,579 And this is helping. 37 00:02:25,681 --> 00:02:28,775 I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to- 38 00:02:28,884 --> 00:02:30,784 It's always me, right? 39 00:02:30,886 --> 00:02:34,253 Well, it's not my sperm count. 40 00:02:34,356 --> 00:02:36,916 Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all! 41 00:02:37,025 --> 00:02:38,788 That's my boy! 42 00:02:38,894 --> 00:02:41,192 Whoo! Whoo! 43 00:02:43,098 --> 00:02:44,998 Clevon is lucky to be alive. 44 00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:47,432 He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake... 45 00:02:47,536 --> 00:02:50,767 into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate. 46 00:02:50,873 --> 00:02:52,932 But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research... 47 00:02:53,041 --> 00:02:56,010 and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler... 48 00:02:56,111 --> 00:02:58,306 Clevon should regain full reproductive function. 49 00:02:58,413 --> 00:03:00,313 Get your hands off my junk! 50 00:03:04,553 --> 00:03:07,647 Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack... 51 00:03:07,756 --> 00:03:09,849 while masturbating... 52 00:03:09,958 --> 00:03:13,052 to produce sperm for artificial insemination. 53 00:03:13,161 --> 00:03:15,061 But I have some eggs frozen... 54 00:03:15,163 --> 00:03:18,860 so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know- 55 00:03:23,105 --> 00:03:25,596 And so it went for generations... 56 00:03:25,707 --> 00:03:28,505 although few, if any, seemed to notice. 57 00:03:28,610 --> 00:03:34,378 But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D. C... 58 00:03:34,483 --> 00:03:38,419 a simple army librarian was unknowingly... 59 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:42,422 about to change the entire course of human history. 60 00:03:42,524 --> 00:03:44,287 Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail! 61 00:03:48,563 --> 00:03:50,190 Hey, Bauers. 62 00:03:50,299 --> 00:03:52,790 This is Peterson, your new replacement. 63 00:03:52,901 --> 00:03:56,769 - My what? I'm gettin' replaced? - Yeah, they didn't tell you? 64 00:03:56,872 --> 00:03:58,965 - No. - Some new assignment. 65 00:03:59,074 --> 00:04:01,372 They're being all weird and hush-hush about it. 66 00:04:01,476 --> 00:04:04,309 I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. 67 00:04:04,413 --> 00:04:08,179 - I'm good at this. - Good at what? Sittin' on ass? 68 00:04:08,283 --> 00:04:10,877 No one ever comes in here. 69 00:04:10,986 --> 00:04:14,217 Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. 70 00:04:14,323 --> 00:04:17,383 If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. 71 00:04:17,492 --> 00:04:20,620 I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this? 72 00:04:20,729 --> 00:04:23,459 No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up. 73 00:04:23,565 --> 00:04:27,934 Jesus. I don't understand. Why me? 74 00:04:28,036 --> 00:04:31,665 Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way. 75 00:04:31,773 --> 00:04:35,402 When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way. " 76 00:04:35,510 --> 00:04:39,571 It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following. 77 00:04:39,681 --> 00:04:41,546 That doesn't embarrass me. 78 00:04:41,650 --> 00:04:43,550 Look, Joe. You don't have a choice. 79 00:04:43,652 --> 00:04:45,483 You're just gonna have to follow. 80 00:04:45,587 --> 00:04:48,055 Like, follow me upstairs, like, now. 81 00:04:48,156 --> 00:04:51,922 Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy? 82 00:04:52,027 --> 00:04:56,225 I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go. 83 00:05:03,305 --> 00:05:06,365 Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers... 84 00:05:06,475 --> 00:05:09,603 our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment. 85 00:05:09,711 --> 00:05:11,645 Now, as you know, throughout the years... 86 00:05:11,747 --> 00:05:14,215 many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... 87 00:05:14,316 --> 00:05:16,511 often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle. 88 00:05:16,618 --> 00:05:21,351 With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men... 89 00:05:21,456 --> 00:05:24,391 frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most. 90 00:05:24,493 --> 00:05:28,224 Joe, here, is not one of our best men. 91 00:05:28,330 --> 00:05:32,960 Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is. 92 00:05:33,068 --> 00:05:37,732 Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly. 93 00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:40,603 The most average person in our entire armed forces. 94 00:05:40,709 --> 00:05:43,234 Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried... 95 00:05:43,345 --> 00:05:45,643 is an only child, and both parents are deceased... 96 00:05:45,747 --> 00:05:49,410 making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... 97 00:05:49,518 --> 00:05:51,577 should something go wrong with the experiment. 98 00:05:51,686 --> 00:05:56,248 We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks... 99 00:05:56,358 --> 00:06:00,419 and were forced to look into the private sector. 100 00:06:00,529 --> 00:06:03,987 This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family. 101 00:06:04,099 --> 00:06:06,829 Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... 102 00:06:06,935 --> 00:06:10,996 in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee. 103 00:06:11,106 --> 00:06:14,803 We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp... 104 00:06:14,910 --> 00:06:18,937 a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly- 105 00:06:20,549 --> 00:06:24,713 With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping. 106 00:06:24,820 --> 00:06:27,050 Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... 107 00:06:27,155 --> 00:06:30,488 and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... 108 00:06:30,592 --> 00:06:33,823 with the local authorities in running his pimp game. 109 00:06:33,929 --> 00:06:38,093 First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust. 110 00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:42,029 Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please? 111 00:06:42,137 --> 00:06:44,435 Sure. Let me just finish here. 112 00:06:44,539 --> 00:06:48,839 You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square. 113 00:06:48,944 --> 00:06:50,969 Collins! 114 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,748 Fine. We'll move on. 115 00:06:54,850 --> 00:06:57,648 It is a fascinating world though. 116 00:07:10,665 --> 00:07:12,656 Jesus, Collins. 117 00:07:14,069 --> 00:07:17,061 Yeah, that's- 118 00:07:18,406 --> 00:07:21,136 Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... 119 00:07:21,243 --> 00:07:23,234 are to be placed into a dry freeze... 120 00:07:23,345 --> 00:07:25,677 for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow. 121 00:07:25,780 --> 00:07:27,975 As you know, this is highly classified. 122 00:07:28,083 --> 00:07:33,214 However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely. 123 00:07:39,995 --> 00:07:43,453 So this is kinda crazy, huh? 124 00:07:43,565 --> 00:07:47,092 - What unit are you with? - Oh, I ain't in the service. 125 00:07:47,202 --> 00:07:50,069 Oh, private sector. Okay. 126 00:07:50,172 --> 00:07:54,666 - So, uh, what do you do? - A little of this, a little of that. 127 00:07:54,776 --> 00:07:56,971 Wow, that's great. 128 00:07:57,078 --> 00:07:59,911 You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way- 129 00:08:00,015 --> 00:08:02,040 doing a little of this and a little of that. 130 00:08:02,150 --> 00:08:06,951 I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures... 131 00:08:07,055 --> 00:08:08,955 and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market. 132 00:08:09,057 --> 00:08:10,957 Yeah. 133 00:08:12,894 --> 00:08:15,829 So, uh, you an artist or somethin'? 134 00:08:17,098 --> 00:08:20,033 - Uh, yeah. - You do paintings or- 135 00:08:20,135 --> 00:08:22,603 - Yeah, paintings. - Okay, great. 136 00:08:24,206 --> 00:08:26,868 - Mm-hmm. - What do you paint mostly? 137 00:08:28,510 --> 00:08:33,038 I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit. 138 00:08:33,148 --> 00:08:38,313 Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love. 139 00:08:38,420 --> 00:08:41,048 Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be. 140 00:08:41,156 --> 00:08:42,817 Who wants to go first? 141 00:08:42,924 --> 00:08:45,415 Me. 142 00:08:50,098 --> 00:08:53,465 What the f- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh. 143 00:08:53,568 --> 00:08:57,265 Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I. V. s attached and all. 144 00:08:57,372 --> 00:09:00,466 - What's the matter? - Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... 145 00:09:00,575 --> 00:09:02,668 in no damn coffin with tubes and shit! 146 00:09:02,777 --> 00:09:05,769 Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me. 147 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,438 Who's Upgrayedd? 148 00:09:07,549 --> 00:09:09,517 He's my boyfriend. 149 00:09:10,852 --> 00:09:12,820 Man, how do you know this shit's safe? 150 00:09:12,921 --> 00:09:14,821 These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry. 151 00:09:14,923 --> 00:09:17,687 They've tested it on dogs and everything. 152 00:09:17,792 --> 00:09:20,659 What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep... 153 00:09:20,762 --> 00:09:22,753 we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again. 154 00:09:22,864 --> 00:09:24,855 - It'll be fine. - All right. 155 00:09:24,966 --> 00:09:28,868 Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch? 156 00:09:30,205 --> 00:09:33,538 See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student. 157 00:09:33,642 --> 00:09:35,166 His name was Untgrad. 158 00:09:35,277 --> 00:09:37,302 Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here. 159 00:09:37,412 --> 00:09:40,210 Just go ahead and lie down. Relax. 160 00:09:49,491 --> 00:09:51,288 See you in a year. 161 00:09:51,393 --> 00:09:54,055 The Human Hibernation Project... 162 00:09:54,162 --> 00:09:57,188 was one of the army's most ambitious experiments... 163 00:09:57,299 --> 00:10:00,132 and one of its most secretive. 164 00:10:00,235 --> 00:10:02,669 But it was not immune from human error. 165 00:10:05,507 --> 00:10:07,407 Freeze! 166 00:10:16,051 --> 00:10:19,782 Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed... 167 00:10:19,888 --> 00:10:22,652 the base was closed. 168 00:10:22,757 --> 00:10:27,456 It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten. 169 00:10:29,831 --> 00:10:33,597 Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind. 170 00:10:33,702 --> 00:10:36,967 As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed... 171 00:10:37,072 --> 00:10:41,099 and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. 172 00:10:49,784 --> 00:10:53,584 Some had high hopes that genetic engineering... 173 00:10:53,688 --> 00:10:55,679 would correct this trend in evolution. 174 00:10:55,790 --> 00:10:58,953 But sadly, the greatest minds and resources... 175 00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:03,929 were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections. 176 00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:11,939 Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline... 177 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:16,636 until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems. 178 00:11:16,745 --> 00:11:21,739 Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever... 179 00:11:21,850 --> 00:11:26,719 leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505... 180 00:11:26,821 --> 00:11:32,157 which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever. 181 00:12:06,194 --> 00:12:08,958 - Hold on. - Next, on The Violence Channel... 182 00:12:09,063 --> 00:12:11,293 an all-new Ow! My Balls! 183 00:12:23,778 --> 00:12:27,646 All right. 184 00:12:34,656 --> 00:12:37,147 That guy got hit in the balls. 185 00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:39,783 Ow, my balls! 186 00:12:43,765 --> 00:12:45,665 Huh? 187 00:12:48,770 --> 00:12:53,298 Tires Squealing, Man Screaming] - [Man Watching TV Laughs] 188 00:12:53,408 --> 00:12:55,899 - Where's- - Hold on. Shut up! 189 00:13:08,356 --> 00:13:10,654 - Where's Officer Collins? - Shut up! 190 00:13:10,758 --> 00:13:14,387 Next week on Ow! My Balls! Hormel goes to Paris! 191 00:13:14,496 --> 00:13:19,229 - Are we on base? - I'm gonna base your ass on my fist. 192 00:13:19,334 --> 00:13:22,770 In your face, ass! Shut up. 193 00:13:22,871 --> 00:13:24,998 I'm sorry. It's just- Where am I? 194 00:13:25,106 --> 00:13:27,301 Shut up! I told you already! 195 00:13:34,516 --> 00:13:37,679 Yeah! Wouldn't shut up! 196 00:13:37,785 --> 00:13:39,446 Come in here and not shut up. 197 00:13:39,554 --> 00:13:43,115 Yeah, you were like, "I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like- 198 00:13:58,306 --> 00:14:00,706 Unaware of what year it was... 199 00:14:00,808 --> 00:14:03,800 Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help. 200 00:14:03,912 --> 00:14:06,278 But the English language had deteriorated... 201 00:14:06,381 --> 00:14:11,478 into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts. 202 00:14:11,586 --> 00:14:15,022 Joe was able to understand them... 203 00:14:15,123 --> 00:14:18,490 but when he spoke in an ordinary voice... 204 00:14:18,593 --> 00:14:21,187 he sounded pompous and faggy to them. 205 00:14:37,412 --> 00:14:40,779 Paging Doc- 206 00:14:44,385 --> 00:14:47,320 Report to, uh- 207 00:14:47,422 --> 00:14:51,825 Dr. Lueboo... 208 00:14:51,926 --> 00:14:53,154 uh, report. 209 00:14:53,261 --> 00:14:56,128 Your floor-Your floor is now clean. 210 00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:58,460 Your floor- Your floor is now clean. 211 00:14:58,566 --> 00:15:00,932 Your floor- Your floor is now clean. 212 00:15:01,035 --> 00:15:06,166 Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well. 213 00:15:06,274 --> 00:15:08,868 I think it might have been the drugs they had me on. 214 00:15:08,977 --> 00:15:11,104 I've been hallucinating. 215 00:15:11,212 --> 00:15:13,680 My head is just killin' me. 216 00:15:13,781 --> 00:15:16,807 My-My-My joints are all achy and I- 217 00:15:18,553 --> 00:15:20,453 Is this a hospital or- 218 00:15:20,555 --> 00:15:24,685 Actually, I don't even know where I am. 219 00:15:24,792 --> 00:15:27,022 Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right... 220 00:15:27,128 --> 00:15:31,462 - and have a healthy day! - Oh. Thanks. 221 00:15:31,566 --> 00:15:33,329 Thank you! 222 00:15:44,445 --> 00:15:48,541 Uh, 'scuse me. I think this might be Gatorade or somethin'. 223 00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:51,551 - I was just looking for some regular water. - Water? 224 00:15:51,653 --> 00:15:54,679 - Yeah. - You mean like in the toilet? What for? 225 00:15:54,789 --> 00:15:57,690 You know, just to drink. 226 00:16:05,867 --> 00:16:07,732 You've got hepatitis! 227 00:16:07,835 --> 00:16:10,599 Oh, is someone not feeling well? 228 00:16:10,705 --> 00:16:14,266 Your illness is very important to us. 229 00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:17,242 - Next. - Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno... 230 00:16:17,345 --> 00:16:19,370 - powered by Jormi Technology. - Uh, this goes in your mouth. 231 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:24,918 This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt. 232 00:16:27,689 --> 00:16:28,883 Come on. 233 00:16:28,990 --> 00:16:31,891 - Hurry up, asshole! - Come on! 234 00:16:33,695 --> 00:16:35,925 Shit. Hang on a second. 235 00:16:37,699 --> 00:16:40,133 This one- No. 236 00:16:40,234 --> 00:16:42,065 - Hey, come on. - Uh- 237 00:16:42,170 --> 00:16:45,367 - Hurry up! - This one. This one goes in your mouth. 238 00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:49,642 Come on! 239 00:16:55,183 --> 00:16:58,209 Thank you for waiting. Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly. 240 00:17:03,758 --> 00:17:06,556 That's a weird misprint. 241 00:17:07,895 --> 00:17:11,763 Hey. How's it hang, ese? 242 00:17:11,866 --> 00:17:15,563 Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know. 243 00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:18,662 I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seein' things. 244 00:17:18,773 --> 00:17:21,674 I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on. 245 00:17:21,776 --> 00:17:25,473 But, if you could, uh, just get me well enough to get back to base- 246 00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:28,242 Right. Kick ass. 247 00:17:28,349 --> 00:17:31,477 Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin'... 248 00:17:31,586 --> 00:17:34,419 but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up. 249 00:17:34,522 --> 00:17:38,014 You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. 250 00:17:38,126 --> 00:17:42,495 What I'd do is just like, like, you know... 251 00:17:42,597 --> 00:17:46,033 like, you know what I mean? Like- 252 00:17:46,134 --> 00:17:50,400 - No, I'm serious here. - Don't worry, scrot. 253 00:17:50,505 --> 00:17:53,531 Now there are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. 254 00:17:53,641 --> 00:17:57,008 My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now. 255 00:17:57,111 --> 00:18:00,979 I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help. 256 00:18:01,082 --> 00:18:02,845 There's that fag talk we talked about. 257 00:18:02,950 --> 00:18:06,784 All right, so that'll be... this many dollars. 258 00:18:06,888 --> 00:18:10,949 And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit. 259 00:18:11,058 --> 00:18:14,994 That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine. 260 00:18:15,096 --> 00:18:19,157 - What are the odds of- - Where's your tattoo? Tattoo? 261 00:18:19,267 --> 00:18:22,031 Why don't you have this? 262 00:18:24,739 --> 00:18:26,639 Oh, God. 263 00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:31,801 - Where's your tattoo? - Oh, my God. 264 00:18:31,913 --> 00:18:34,381 Why come you don't have a tattoo? 265 00:18:35,983 --> 00:18:39,043 - Oh, my God! - You're not unscannable, are you? 266 00:18:40,288 --> 00:18:42,483 Oh, my God! 267 00:18:42,590 --> 00:18:46,026 You're unscannable. 268 00:18:46,127 --> 00:18:48,925 - Unscannable! - No! No, you don't understand! 269 00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:51,590 You gotta let me talk to someone in the army! Wait a second. 270 00:18:51,699 --> 00:18:54,532 They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead! 271 00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:56,364 Oh, my God! Oh! 272 00:18:58,439 --> 00:19:01,602 - No! Stop! Calm down! - Calm down! Calm down! 273 00:19:01,709 --> 00:19:03,870 - How'd this happen? - How did it happen? 274 00:19:03,978 --> 00:19:07,209 Your floor is now clean. 275 00:19:07,315 --> 00:19:09,579 Your floor is now clean. 276 00:19:29,971 --> 00:19:33,907 Joe had awakened to a world in crisis. 277 00:19:34,008 --> 00:19:37,239 The economy was in a state of deep neglect. 278 00:19:37,345 --> 00:19:40,803 A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies. 279 00:19:40,915 --> 00:19:45,750 And the number one movie in the country was called Ass. 280 00:19:47,555 --> 00:19:50,683 And that's all it was for 90 minutes. 281 00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:57,957 It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay. 282 00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:05,130 Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries. 283 00:20:05,239 --> 00:20:08,231 You didn't gimme no fries. I got an empty box. 284 00:20:08,342 --> 00:20:11,175 Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries? 285 00:20:11,279 --> 00:20:12,974 I said I didn't get any. 286 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,945 Thank you. Your account has been charged. 287 00:20:15,049 --> 00:20:16,949 Your balance is zero. 288 00:20:17,051 --> 00:20:20,543 - What? Oh, no. No! - Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 289 00:20:20,655 --> 00:20:22,555 I'm sorry you're having trouble. 290 00:20:22,657 --> 00:20:25,182 - Come on! My kids are starvin'. - I'm sorry you're having trouble. 291 00:20:27,695 --> 00:20:30,186 This should help you calm down. 292 00:20:30,298 --> 00:20:33,165 Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 293 00:20:33,267 --> 00:20:38,466 Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry. 294 00:20:38,572 --> 00:20:43,532 You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr. 295 00:20:43,644 --> 00:20:46,670 Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating. " 296 00:20:48,015 --> 00:20:49,846 Welcome to Carl's Jr. 297 00:20:49,951 --> 00:20:53,546 Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco... 298 00:20:53,654 --> 00:20:56,214 now with more molecules? 299 00:20:56,324 --> 00:20:59,316 Hey! Is this particular individual the unfit mother? 300 00:20:59,427 --> 00:21:03,363 - Me? No. - Okay. This particular individual is unscannable. 301 00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:08,998 Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment. 302 00:21:11,906 --> 00:21:14,500 Wait a second. There's the other pod from the army experiment. 303 00:21:14,608 --> 00:21:16,872 There was a girl. She was from the same experiment. 304 00:21:16,978 --> 00:21:20,345 Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir. 305 00:21:20,448 --> 00:21:22,473 Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill... 306 00:21:22,583 --> 00:21:26,019 and not having his U. P. C. tattoo. 307 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:31,422 He would soon discover that in the future, justice was not only blind... 308 00:21:31,525 --> 00:21:35,325 but had become rather retarded as well. 309 00:21:35,429 --> 00:21:38,398 You shut up! Now- 310 00:21:40,101 --> 00:21:42,831 I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here. 311 00:21:42,937 --> 00:21:47,567 We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here. 312 00:21:47,675 --> 00:21:51,839 Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money... 313 00:21:51,946 --> 00:21:55,279 we have "proprietarily" obtained for you... 314 00:21:55,383 --> 00:21:59,217 one of them court-appointed lawyers. 315 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:04,348 So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo. 316 00:22:04,458 --> 00:22:06,187 You're my lawyer? 317 00:22:06,293 --> 00:22:10,627 Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital? 318 00:22:10,731 --> 00:22:13,131 - Why'd you do that? - Yeah. I'm not guilty. 319 00:22:13,234 --> 00:22:16,032 - That's not what the other lawyer said. - What do you mean what the- 320 00:22:16,137 --> 00:22:18,105 Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay? 321 00:22:18,205 --> 00:22:21,197 I can explain everything. We can take 'em to your house, show 'em the pod. 322 00:22:21,308 --> 00:22:23,572 Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 323 00:22:23,677 --> 00:22:27,113 Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it? 324 00:22:27,214 --> 00:22:30,240 Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him. 325 00:22:32,887 --> 00:22:35,879 He talks like a fag too. 326 00:22:35,990 --> 00:22:39,687 And "B," we've got all this, like, evidence... 327 00:22:39,794 --> 00:22:42,729 of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital. 328 00:22:42,830 --> 00:22:45,765 And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo. 329 00:22:45,866 --> 00:22:48,130 I know! 330 00:22:48,235 --> 00:22:51,762 And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me. " But check this out, man. 331 00:22:51,872 --> 00:22:54,773 Judge should be like, "Guilty. " Peace. 332 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:03,179 - Objection! - What are you objectifyin' on? 333 00:23:03,284 --> 00:23:05,548 - Come on. Just get me on the stand. - Okay. 334 00:23:06,587 --> 00:23:09,317 - Um, Your Honor? - Hmm? 335 00:23:09,423 --> 00:23:11,254 I object... 336 00:23:11,358 --> 00:23:15,351 that this guy also broke my apartment to shit. 337 00:23:15,463 --> 00:23:17,454 - Yeah. - What? 338 00:23:17,565 --> 00:23:22,093 And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me... 339 00:23:22,203 --> 00:23:25,331 after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital! 340 00:23:25,439 --> 00:23:27,430 Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer. 341 00:23:27,541 --> 00:23:29,475 And I object. 342 00:23:29,577 --> 00:23:33,445 I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls! 343 00:23:33,547 --> 00:23:38,007 That is not okay! And I rest my case! 344 00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:40,519 Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir. 345 00:23:40,621 --> 00:23:43,988 - I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up. 346 00:23:44,091 --> 00:23:46,559 - Please, listen. - "Please, listen. " 347 00:23:46,660 --> 00:23:48,389 I didn't steal anything. 348 00:23:48,496 --> 00:23:50,396 I was part of an army experiment- 349 00:23:50,498 --> 00:23:53,490 Joe stated his case logically and passionately... 350 00:23:53,601 --> 00:23:58,698 but his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales of stupid laughter. 351 00:23:58,806 --> 00:24:00,467 Guilty! 352 00:24:00,574 --> 00:24:05,204 Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence. 353 00:24:05,312 --> 00:24:10,011 Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession... 354 00:24:10,117 --> 00:24:14,218 was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons. 355 00:24:14,321 --> 00:24:18,052 Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U. S. Government long distance. 356 00:24:18,159 --> 00:24:20,525 Please say the name of the person you wish to call. 357 00:24:20,628 --> 00:24:22,459 Upgrayedd. 358 00:24:23,597 --> 00:24:28,159 There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd. 359 00:24:28,269 --> 00:24:30,533 Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection. 360 00:24:30,638 --> 00:24:32,538 - Man, what? - Oh, yeah, baby. 361 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,108 Hey, look, can you just- can you wait a second, please? 362 00:24:35,209 --> 00:24:39,578 Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good. 363 00:24:40,614 --> 00:24:42,548 Really? 364 00:24:43,851 --> 00:24:46,183 Think, uh-You think maybe you could wait a day? 365 00:24:46,287 --> 00:24:48,414 Baby, I can wait two days. 366 00:24:48,522 --> 00:24:53,084 Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour. 367 00:24:53,194 --> 00:24:57,130 Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby. 368 00:24:57,231 --> 00:24:59,131 Thank you very much, young man. 369 00:25:01,402 --> 00:25:03,063 What the fuck? 370 00:25:03,170 --> 00:25:05,695 Goddamn, shit's changed in a year. 371 00:25:07,708 --> 00:25:09,608 What are we doin' here? 372 00:25:09,710 --> 00:25:12,201 Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo. 373 00:25:15,216 --> 00:25:18,379 Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America. 374 00:25:18,485 --> 00:25:23,149 Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle. 375 00:25:24,258 --> 00:25:26,158 Thank you. 376 00:25:26,260 --> 00:25:30,219 Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card- 377 00:25:30,331 --> 00:25:33,732 - Document number G24L8. - I'm not sure if- 378 00:25:33,834 --> 00:25:37,827 You have entered the name "Not Sure. " Is this correct, Not Sure? 379 00:25:37,938 --> 00:25:39,838 No, it's not correct. 380 00:25:39,940 --> 00:25:43,535 Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct? 381 00:25:43,644 --> 00:25:45,669 No, it's not. My name is Joe- 382 00:25:45,779 --> 00:25:47,610 You've already confirmed your first name is Not. 383 00:25:47,715 --> 00:25:51,344 - Please confirm your last name, "Sure. " - My- 384 00:25:51,452 --> 00:25:53,852 My last name is not Sure. 385 00:25:53,954 --> 00:25:56,582 - Thank you, Not Sure. - No. What I mean is my name is Joe. 386 00:25:56,690 --> 00:26:02,026 Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm. 387 00:26:04,131 --> 00:26:06,964 - Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this? 388 00:26:07,067 --> 00:26:09,501 Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning? 389 00:26:09,603 --> 00:26:12,834 They're gonna tat- Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor? 390 00:26:12,940 --> 00:26:15,966 - Ow! - Please hold still for your photograph. 391 00:26:25,486 --> 00:26:28,046 Oh, that's fuckin' great. 392 00:26:30,591 --> 00:26:32,491 Okay, sir... 393 00:26:32,593 --> 00:26:36,927 now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I. Q. and "apitude" tests. 394 00:26:37,031 --> 00:26:38,965 What for? 395 00:26:39,066 --> 00:26:43,298 Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at... 396 00:26:43,404 --> 00:26:48,535 and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail. 397 00:26:48,642 --> 00:26:51,577 If you have one bucket that holds two gallons... 398 00:26:51,679 --> 00:26:54,239 and another bucket that holds five gallons... 399 00:26:54,348 --> 00:26:57,112 how many buckets do you have? 400 00:26:59,053 --> 00:27:00,953 Two? 401 00:27:01,055 --> 00:27:03,023 Thank you. 402 00:27:42,996 --> 00:27:44,964 'Too. 403 00:28:07,488 --> 00:28:10,150 Desperate and scared... 404 00:28:10,257 --> 00:28:13,055 Joe used his superior intelligence... 405 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,061 to come up with the best escape plan he could think of. 406 00:28:16,163 --> 00:28:21,795 Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir. 407 00:28:23,003 --> 00:28:25,062 Yeah. 408 00:28:25,172 --> 00:28:28,107 You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there. 409 00:28:28,208 --> 00:28:31,507 I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry. 410 00:28:31,612 --> 00:28:33,273 Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through. 411 00:28:50,330 --> 00:28:53,026 - 'Too. - Yeah. Got it. 412 00:28:55,436 --> 00:29:00,806 Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here. So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison. 413 00:29:00,908 --> 00:29:02,808 Could you check again? 414 00:29:02,910 --> 00:29:05,970 'Cause, I was, you know- I was definitely in prison, okay? 415 00:29:06,079 --> 00:29:10,015 I got sat on my face and everything. Maybe check those files back there? 416 00:29:16,590 --> 00:29:20,856 "Excape. " "Excape. " 417 00:29:20,961 --> 00:29:23,521 "Excape. " "Excape. " 418 00:29:23,630 --> 00:29:27,396 "Excape. " "Excape. " 419 00:29:44,751 --> 00:29:46,651 The Masturbation Network. 420 00:29:46,753 --> 00:29:50,245 Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years. 421 00:29:50,357 --> 00:29:53,053 And now, Sweet Bang Tube. 422 00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:57,927 Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece. 423 00:29:58,031 --> 00:30:00,022 Oh, yeah, that's- 424 00:30:00,133 --> 00:30:02,033 Go away! 'Batin'! 425 00:30:04,137 --> 00:30:06,332 Damn it. 426 00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:08,931 All right. 427 00:30:10,944 --> 00:30:13,879 Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here! 428 00:30:13,981 --> 00:30:18,077 No, wait, listen. You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail. 429 00:30:18,185 --> 00:30:21,552 So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house. 430 00:30:21,655 --> 00:30:24,590 Hey, I could have you disbarred- disbarred- for what you did to me. 431 00:30:24,691 --> 00:30:27,353 Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havin' any money. 432 00:30:27,461 --> 00:30:29,554 Oh, really? 433 00:30:29,663 --> 00:30:32,962 Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal. 434 00:30:33,066 --> 00:30:35,057 I've been thinking. It's been 500 years. 435 00:30:35,168 --> 00:30:38,137 Someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time by now. 436 00:30:38,238 --> 00:30:41,139 You know, I think they were pretty close even in my day. You know? 437 00:30:41,241 --> 00:30:43,141 - With Einstein and guys like that? - Uh-huh. 438 00:30:43,243 --> 00:30:45,803 - You know, scientists? You know? - Uh. 439 00:30:47,147 --> 00:30:49,047 A time machine, for time travel. 440 00:30:49,149 --> 00:30:51,777 - Do they have one? - What? 441 00:30:56,089 --> 00:30:59,991 Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for. 442 00:31:01,094 --> 00:31:03,221 No, no, they got a time machine. 443 00:31:03,330 --> 00:31:05,230 - They do? - Yeah. 444 00:31:05,332 --> 00:31:07,232 - Are-Are-Are you sure? - Yeah. 445 00:31:07,334 --> 00:31:11,168 - Can it get me back to 2005? - Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive. 446 00:31:11,271 --> 00:31:14,502 And it breaks all the time 'cause some smart guy made it a long time ago. 447 00:31:14,608 --> 00:31:16,769 I don't care. Just get me there, okay? 448 00:31:16,877 --> 00:31:18,344 - Well- - Please! 449 00:31:18,445 --> 00:31:21,676 Listen, I- I- I "supersize" with you... 450 00:31:21,782 --> 00:31:24,546 but didn't you go to jail for not havin' enough money? 451 00:31:24,651 --> 00:31:28,781 Okay, how about this? You get me to the time machine, and when I get back... 452 00:31:28,889 --> 00:31:30,880 I open a savings account in your name. 453 00:31:30,991 --> 00:31:33,516 That way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions. 454 00:31:33,627 --> 00:31:35,151 - Billions! - 'Cause? 455 00:31:35,262 --> 00:31:38,095 'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars. 456 00:31:38,198 --> 00:31:40,758 - Oh, I- I like money. - Yeah. 457 00:31:40,867 --> 00:31:43,859 - How many billions? - Like, 10. 458 00:31:43,971 --> 00:31:47,134 Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20. 459 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:50,038 Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito. 460 00:31:50,143 --> 00:31:53,306 Thirty billion dollars. 461 00:31:53,413 --> 00:31:57,850 Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion... 462 00:31:57,951 --> 00:31:59,942 and the time machine's 20- 463 00:32:00,053 --> 00:32:01,987 What's the minus of 30 and 20? 464 00:32:02,089 --> 00:32:04,819 Uh, it's, uh- it's 80, Frito. 465 00:32:04,925 --> 00:32:07,450 It's $80 billion. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it? 466 00:32:07,561 --> 00:32:11,292 - Yeah. I like money though. - Police! Open the door! 467 00:32:11,398 --> 00:32:13,559 We're looking for an "excaped" individual. 468 00:32:13,667 --> 00:32:17,262 - This particular individual's name is Not Sure. - Eighty billion. 469 00:32:17,371 --> 00:32:21,364 Oh, um, he- He's... somewhere else. 470 00:32:21,475 --> 00:32:25,809 - You got something I can wear? - Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle. 471 00:32:25,912 --> 00:32:28,039 A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo. 472 00:32:28,148 --> 00:32:30,912 Seemed to be heading for this particular "domistile. " 473 00:32:31,018 --> 00:32:33,418 Okay, sir, we're comin' in. 474 00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:35,818 - No, you can't come in. - Can too! 475 00:32:35,922 --> 00:32:37,981 - Come on! - All right, let's go get my billions. 476 00:32:40,293 --> 00:32:44,354 Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay? 477 00:32:44,464 --> 00:32:47,228 - Is she bangin'? - Yeah, sure, she is. 478 00:32:47,334 --> 00:32:49,234 That wasn't really part of the deal. 479 00:32:49,336 --> 00:32:53,238 - Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right? - I like money. 480 00:32:53,340 --> 00:32:56,400 Okay, her pod's up here on the right. She shouldn't be far away, I hope. 481 00:32:56,510 --> 00:33:01,277 Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah? So when we gonna do it? 482 00:33:01,381 --> 00:33:04,714 'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days. 483 00:33:04,818 --> 00:33:08,811 Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what? 484 00:33:08,922 --> 00:33:11,550 Why don't you come back tomorrow? 485 00:33:11,658 --> 00:33:14,286 - Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah! - Yeah? 486 00:33:14,394 --> 00:33:17,557 When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me. 487 00:33:17,664 --> 00:33:21,122 That's right. Whatever you say, sir. 488 00:33:21,234 --> 00:33:23,702 - Hey, you still on the clock! - Yeah, girl. 489 00:33:23,804 --> 00:33:26,932 - Thank you! - Rita! 490 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:30,908 Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment. Get in the car! Come on. 491 00:33:31,011 --> 00:33:33,309 Oh, yeah! What the hell, man? 492 00:33:33,413 --> 00:33:35,313 Just get in the car. I'll explain everything. 493 00:33:35,415 --> 00:33:37,906 - Where we going? - Just get in the car. 494 00:33:38,018 --> 00:33:40,179 - Trust me. - What happened to those army guys? 495 00:33:43,056 --> 00:33:45,547 Wait a minute. You got cops after you? 496 00:33:45,659 --> 00:33:49,288 - Yeah. - And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole! 497 00:33:49,396 --> 00:33:51,864 Frito, take a right here. Right, right! 498 00:33:51,965 --> 00:33:53,933 Into that dust storm, Frito. 499 00:34:00,107 --> 00:34:02,166 They must have just forgotten about us. 500 00:34:02,275 --> 00:34:05,676 It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no! 501 00:34:05,779 --> 00:34:09,977 Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money! 502 00:34:10,083 --> 00:34:12,176 So, you owe your boyfriend money? 503 00:34:12,285 --> 00:34:14,776 Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too. 504 00:34:14,888 --> 00:34:18,688 You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit. 505 00:34:18,792 --> 00:34:24,128 Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now. 506 00:34:24,231 --> 00:34:27,029 - Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? - Yeah. 507 00:34:27,134 --> 00:34:30,661 Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past... 508 00:34:30,771 --> 00:34:33,171 but there was no time machine back then, so- 509 00:34:33,273 --> 00:34:36,208 Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week- 510 00:34:36,309 --> 00:34:39,278 He will find a way to come get his money! 511 00:34:39,379 --> 00:34:42,473 - All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it- - You know what? 512 00:34:42,582 --> 00:34:45,142 Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago... 513 00:34:45,252 --> 00:34:47,618 when you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin. 514 00:34:47,721 --> 00:34:49,712 - Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay? 515 00:34:49,823 --> 00:34:53,122 But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you. 516 00:34:53,226 --> 00:34:56,787 You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure. 517 00:34:56,897 --> 00:35:00,526 Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger. 518 00:35:00,634 --> 00:35:03,535 - Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. - Thank you for your help. 519 00:35:03,637 --> 00:35:05,867 If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail. 520 00:35:05,972 --> 00:35:08,964 You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them. 521 00:35:09,075 --> 00:35:11,805 They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds. 522 00:35:11,912 --> 00:35:15,905 - What are you doing? Why are we slowing down? - Turned off my battery. 523 00:35:20,353 --> 00:35:23,811 Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something? 524 00:35:27,661 --> 00:35:28,923 Oh, shit. 525 00:35:36,870 --> 00:35:39,498 Oh! Oh, shit! 526 00:35:39,606 --> 00:35:41,836 Yeah! 527 00:35:41,942 --> 00:35:45,241 What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car. 528 00:35:46,446 --> 00:35:50,177 Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire! 529 00:35:50,283 --> 00:35:52,080 Come on! Let's get out of here. 530 00:36:01,561 --> 00:36:03,552 Hey, how much farther is it? 531 00:36:04,865 --> 00:36:07,698 Uh, it's, like, far. 532 00:36:07,801 --> 00:36:11,237 Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know? 533 00:36:11,338 --> 00:36:14,899 Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe. 534 00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:23,672 Man, he don't seem too bright. You sure he knows where he's going? 535 00:36:23,783 --> 00:36:25,978 I sure hope so. He's our only chance. 536 00:36:26,086 --> 00:36:29,613 How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway? 537 00:36:29,723 --> 00:36:33,989 He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either. 538 00:36:34,094 --> 00:36:36,654 He's a goddamned idiot. 539 00:36:36,763 --> 00:36:41,564 There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine. 540 00:36:59,853 --> 00:37:03,550 Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing. 541 00:37:03,657 --> 00:37:07,058 He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there. 542 00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:11,290 So if he mentions anything about a savings account, just play along, okay? 543 00:37:11,398 --> 00:37:13,298 Yeah, what if this time machine don't work? 544 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:16,699 Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it. 545 00:37:21,474 --> 00:37:27,003 Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you. 546 00:37:28,114 --> 00:37:30,480 Welcome to Costco. I love you. 547 00:37:32,585 --> 00:37:36,385 Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here. 548 00:37:44,331 --> 00:37:46,663 We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going? 549 00:37:46,766 --> 00:37:50,258 Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here. 550 00:37:50,370 --> 00:37:52,304 In Costco? 551 00:37:52,405 --> 00:37:54,805 Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself. 552 00:37:54,908 --> 00:37:58,571 Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings. 553 00:38:00,013 --> 00:38:02,811 Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you... 554 00:38:02,916 --> 00:38:06,010 we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it. 555 00:38:15,762 --> 00:38:17,662 Hey, baby, wanna go out? 556 00:38:17,764 --> 00:38:20,324 Wanna go out, honey? 557 00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:29,668 Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldn't be long. 558 00:38:29,776 --> 00:38:33,507 Do I got time to use the bathroom? 559 00:38:35,715 --> 00:38:38,411 - Uh, the toilet. - Be right back. 560 00:38:39,319 --> 00:38:41,787 Yeah, back that thing up. 561 00:38:41,888 --> 00:38:44,186 - Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe? - What? 562 00:38:44,290 --> 00:38:46,121 - I like having sex with chicks. - Yeah? 563 00:38:46,226 --> 00:38:48,126 - Yeah. - I think everybody does, Frito. 564 00:38:48,228 --> 00:38:51,595 Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways. 565 00:38:51,698 --> 00:38:54,223 Then you just, like, back it up. And then you- 566 00:38:54,334 --> 00:38:56,529 - That's real good. - Then you- Oh, yeah! 567 00:38:56,636 --> 00:38:58,729 Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay? 568 00:38:58,838 --> 00:39:00,738 Warning! Warning! 569 00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:03,365 Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702. 570 00:39:03,476 --> 00:39:05,910 Hey! What about Rita? We can't just leave her here. 571 00:39:06,012 --> 00:39:08,242 I don't care. Come on! 572 00:39:08,348 --> 00:39:12,717 Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do? 573 00:39:12,819 --> 00:39:14,753 Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do. 574 00:39:14,854 --> 00:39:17,618 We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past... 575 00:39:17,724 --> 00:39:19,658 I tell her not to do the experiment. 576 00:39:19,759 --> 00:39:21,954 - Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? - Uh- 577 00:39:22,062 --> 00:39:24,030 - No, wait. Please stand clear of the doors. 578 00:39:24,130 --> 00:39:26,928 She already is here. That must mean I didn't go back in time, right? 579 00:39:27,033 --> 00:39:30,230 - Uh- - No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet. 580 00:39:30,336 --> 00:39:33,134 Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment. 581 00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:35,799 Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here. 582 00:39:35,909 --> 00:39:38,309 - Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? - I- 583 00:39:38,411 --> 00:39:41,073 - But then, wait. Why am I still here? - Uh- 584 00:39:41,181 --> 00:39:43,149 Goddamn, how does this time travel work? 585 00:39:43,249 --> 00:39:47,117 - Please stand clear. - Freeze! Hands up! Don't move! 586 00:39:47,220 --> 00:39:49,916 - Put your hands up! - Don't move! Freeze! 587 00:40:00,066 --> 00:40:03,126 Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail... 588 00:40:03,236 --> 00:40:05,966 just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way- 589 00:40:06,072 --> 00:40:09,337 Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow! 590 00:40:09,442 --> 00:40:13,936 - What? - Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow. 591 00:40:14,047 --> 00:40:15,981 What? 592 00:40:16,082 --> 00:40:18,312 - Ow! God! Hey, stop! - Damn it. 593 00:40:20,253 --> 00:40:23,950 - What is this? - Okay, sir, this is the White House. 594 00:40:24,057 --> 00:40:26,355 - What are we doing at the White House? - What? 595 00:40:26,459 --> 00:40:28,757 Ow! Ow! Goddamn! 596 00:40:28,862 --> 00:40:32,320 It turned out the results of Joe's I. Q. test... 597 00:40:32,432 --> 00:40:36,528 had caught the attention of the highest levels of government. 598 00:40:36,636 --> 00:40:40,800 Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who? 599 00:40:40,907 --> 00:40:43,000 The I. Q. test you took in prison. 600 00:40:43,109 --> 00:40:45,873 You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 601 00:40:45,979 --> 00:40:48,880 Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter than President Camacho. 602 00:40:48,982 --> 00:40:51,746 That's how come he's making you secretary of interior. 603 00:40:51,851 --> 00:40:53,819 Okay, so who are you? 604 00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:55,649 I'm the secretary of energy. 605 00:40:55,755 --> 00:40:58,417 He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member. 606 00:40:58,525 --> 00:41:02,325 I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 607 00:41:02,428 --> 00:41:05,693 - Why do you keep saying that? - 'Cause they pay me every time I do. 608 00:41:05,798 --> 00:41:09,666 It's a really good way to make money. You're so smart, why don't you know that? 609 00:41:11,437 --> 00:41:13,997 - He's the secretary of defense. - Hi. 610 00:41:14,107 --> 00:41:17,076 And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general. 611 00:41:17,177 --> 00:41:19,509 Hi. 612 00:41:19,612 --> 00:41:21,773 And that's the secretary of education. 613 00:41:23,850 --> 00:41:27,217 He's kinda stupid, but he's President Camacho's stepbrother. 614 00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:29,550 Still, he does a pretty good job, eh? 615 00:41:29,656 --> 00:41:33,217 You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake... 616 00:41:33,326 --> 00:41:36,784 'cause the test I took was real, real easy. 617 00:41:36,896 --> 00:41:40,889 I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay? 618 00:41:45,205 --> 00:41:49,164 Okay, even if that were true, I can't be the secretary of the interior. 619 00:41:49,275 --> 00:41:52,733 - I don't even know what it is. - You better find out. 620 00:41:52,845 --> 00:41:55,712 - Sit down. It's President Camacho. - Hey, hey, hey, yo... 621 00:41:55,815 --> 00:41:59,774 I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby, so I need y'all to wait outside. 622 00:41:59,886 --> 00:42:04,823 Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion... 623 00:42:04,924 --> 00:42:08,883 porn superstar, and president of the United States... 624 00:42:08,995 --> 00:42:12,396 had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world. 625 00:42:12,498 --> 00:42:15,126 - So you smart, huh? - No, no. 626 00:42:18,571 --> 00:42:21,734 I thought your head would be bigger. 627 00:42:24,711 --> 00:42:26,838 Goddamn. 628 00:42:26,946 --> 00:42:29,312 It look like a peanut. 629 00:42:29,415 --> 00:42:31,349 Let's get you sworn in. 630 00:42:46,232 --> 00:42:49,599 Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America! 631 00:42:53,206 --> 00:42:55,674 President Camacho! 632 00:42:56,709 --> 00:42:59,473 Shut up. 633 00:42:59,579 --> 00:43:03,640 Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. 634 00:43:03,750 --> 00:43:05,308 Chill out. 635 00:43:09,555 --> 00:43:10,988 Shit. 636 00:43:13,293 --> 00:43:16,456 I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit. 637 00:43:16,562 --> 00:43:21,131 And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings. 638 00:43:21,234 --> 00:43:22,861 Yeah! 639 00:43:22,969 --> 00:43:25,870 - But I got a solution. - That's what you said last time, dipshit! 640 00:43:25,972 --> 00:43:27,872 I got a solution. You're a dick! 641 00:43:27,974 --> 00:43:30,568 South Carolina, "whassup?" 642 00:43:38,017 --> 00:43:41,248 That's what I thought! 643 00:43:44,057 --> 00:43:47,322 Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now... 644 00:43:47,427 --> 00:43:49,952 but listen up. 645 00:43:50,063 --> 00:43:52,827 I got a three-point plan to fix everything. 646 00:43:52,932 --> 00:43:54,422 Break it down, Camacho! 647 00:43:54,534 --> 00:43:59,733 Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure. 648 00:43:59,839 --> 00:44:04,674 - Number two, he's got a higher I. Q. than any man alive. 649 00:44:04,777 --> 00:44:09,077 And number three, he's gonna fix everything. 650 00:44:09,182 --> 00:44:12,413 I give you my word as president. 651 00:44:12,518 --> 00:44:15,043 He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops. 652 00:44:15,154 --> 00:44:17,554 He's gonna make 'em grow again. 653 00:44:17,657 --> 00:44:22,617 - Crops? - And that ain't all. I give you my word. 654 00:44:24,697 --> 00:44:27,757 He's gonna fix the dust storms too. 655 00:44:29,502 --> 00:44:32,096 I give you my word. 656 00:44:32,205 --> 00:44:35,732 He's gonna fix the "ecomony. " 657 00:44:37,844 --> 00:44:40,608 And he's so smart... 658 00:44:40,713 --> 00:44:45,912 he's gonna do it all in one week. 659 00:44:46,018 --> 00:44:49,579 President Camacho stood before the world and promised everyone... 660 00:44:49,689 --> 00:44:53,284 that Joe would solve all their problems. 661 00:44:53,393 --> 00:44:57,557 He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy... 662 00:44:57,663 --> 00:45:00,291 but he would cure acne and carsickness as well. 663 00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:02,664 And if he didn't... 664 00:45:02,769 --> 00:45:05,260 President Camacho made another promise. 665 00:45:05,371 --> 00:45:09,000 He would kick Joe's smart balls all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth. 666 00:45:09,108 --> 00:45:13,272 - And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail. 667 00:45:17,683 --> 00:45:19,878 I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President. 668 00:45:19,986 --> 00:45:22,113 I don't know how to be secretary of anything. 669 00:45:22,221 --> 00:45:23,688 I mean, I've never even voted, actually. 670 00:45:23,790 --> 00:45:26,588 I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is. 671 00:45:26,692 --> 00:45:31,356 Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy. It beats jail, don't it? 672 00:45:31,464 --> 00:45:35,798 Besides, you do a kick-ass job... 673 00:45:35,902 --> 00:45:38,132 you get a full presidential pardon. 674 00:45:38,237 --> 00:45:40,137 - No jail time. - Yeah? 675 00:45:40,239 --> 00:45:43,868 Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer. 676 00:45:43,976 --> 00:45:46,035 And get you one too. 677 00:45:51,918 --> 00:45:53,943 Shit! 678 00:45:54,053 --> 00:45:56,521 Hold on, vato! 679 00:45:56,622 --> 00:45:58,351 Whoo! 680 00:46:18,945 --> 00:46:21,072 - Do somethin' smart. - Yeah. 681 00:46:22,448 --> 00:46:26,077 Uh, okay. Uh- 682 00:46:26,185 --> 00:46:29,245 I'll, uh- 683 00:46:29,355 --> 00:46:32,916 - Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted. - Oh, okay. Great, thanks. 684 00:46:33,025 --> 00:46:38,019 Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know, confer with my counsel. 685 00:46:38,130 --> 00:46:39,995 You understand? So I'll be right back. 686 00:46:40,099 --> 00:46:43,466 Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of. 687 00:46:43,569 --> 00:46:48,233 - Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here. - Sounds pretty smart. 688 00:46:48,341 --> 00:46:50,309 Wait here, okay? Wait there. 689 00:46:50,409 --> 00:46:53,242 Dude, this is trepidatious. You got me a room at the White House. 690 00:46:53,346 --> 00:46:55,314 Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone. 691 00:46:55,414 --> 00:46:57,041 - Yeah? - Yeah. 692 00:46:57,149 --> 00:47:00,585 I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I brought you here to help me. 693 00:47:00,686 --> 00:47:03,348 I don't know the first thing about growin' crops... 694 00:47:03,456 --> 00:47:05,686 much less the goddamn "ecomony. " 695 00:47:05,791 --> 00:47:07,725 Econ-Economy. 696 00:47:07,827 --> 00:47:10,762 Let's see. Growin' crops- 697 00:47:10,863 --> 00:47:14,526 No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine. 698 00:47:14,634 --> 00:47:18,798 Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff. 699 00:47:18,905 --> 00:47:20,930 It's, like- It's, like, by the museum... 700 00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:23,634 sort of, but, well, actually, not really. 701 00:47:23,743 --> 00:47:28,271 More like- But on the street. You go, um- Wait. Let me start over. 702 00:47:28,381 --> 00:47:30,246 Okay, you know where the time machine is? 703 00:47:30,349 --> 00:47:33,318 Hey. Just draw me a map, okay? 704 00:47:33,419 --> 00:47:36,047 You still want the money? 705 00:47:36,155 --> 00:47:38,988 Oh. If I had some money and a room at the White House... 706 00:47:39,091 --> 00:47:43,994 - I would be like, "It's mine, all night!" - Listen. Cut it out! 707 00:47:44,096 --> 00:47:46,894 Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay? 708 00:47:46,999 --> 00:47:49,229 - So act smart! - Smart like you? 709 00:47:49,335 --> 00:47:52,827 "Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home. " 710 00:47:52,939 --> 00:47:55,737 - I don't talk like that. - "I don't talk like that. " 711 00:47:55,841 --> 00:47:57,775 Shit, I thought there was two of you. 712 00:47:57,877 --> 00:47:59,674 See? 713 00:47:59,779 --> 00:48:02,339 Doesn't look that big, is it? 714 00:48:02,448 --> 00:48:05,576 Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops. 715 00:48:05,685 --> 00:48:09,678 Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area. 716 00:48:11,290 --> 00:48:13,986 All right? Hey, come on! 717 00:48:15,928 --> 00:48:20,490 Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. All right? 718 00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:23,933 Whoa. Did you just make that up? 719 00:48:24,036 --> 00:48:26,971 Yes, I did. Now look... 720 00:48:27,073 --> 00:48:29,667 I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately... 721 00:48:29,775 --> 00:48:32,175 - and Frito will give you a hand with it. - Why? 722 00:48:33,913 --> 00:48:39,044 Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential... integral... asset... 723 00:48:39,151 --> 00:48:43,952 you know, for our team, for us to, you know, utilize. 724 00:48:50,596 --> 00:48:53,497 Utilize her! Utilize her! 725 00:48:53,599 --> 00:48:55,692 Utilize! 726 00:48:55,801 --> 00:48:58,861 Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right? 727 00:48:58,971 --> 00:49:01,667 Oh, yeah. Butt first! 728 00:49:03,809 --> 00:49:06,512 - Utilize her! - Okay. 729 00:49:12,151 --> 00:49:15,518 Dang! May I approach your benches? 730 00:49:21,127 --> 00:49:23,755 Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad. 731 00:49:23,863 --> 00:49:26,696 Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this? 732 00:49:26,799 --> 00:49:30,235 Come on. Hustle over here, buddy. I wanna figure this out. 733 00:49:30,336 --> 00:49:34,136 See, uh, just not a lot of moisture. Have you got the map? 734 00:49:34,240 --> 00:49:36,208 - Oh, yeah. - Discreetly. 735 00:49:40,546 --> 00:49:43,310 - It's right there. - I see it. I see it. 736 00:49:43,416 --> 00:49:45,976 Stand up with me. 737 00:49:46,085 --> 00:49:49,953 Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They found that whore you wanted. 738 00:49:50,056 --> 00:49:53,048 Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on. 739 00:49:53,159 --> 00:49:57,425 No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out. 740 00:49:57,530 --> 00:49:59,521 Don't worry though. We'll get her out... 741 00:49:59,632 --> 00:50:02,931 on a work-release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her. 742 00:50:03,035 --> 00:50:06,232 Get your hands off me. What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field? 743 00:50:06,338 --> 00:50:08,670 What the fuck are you all starin' at? 744 00:50:08,774 --> 00:50:10,799 - Joe? - That's Not Sure, ma'am. 745 00:50:10,910 --> 00:50:14,812 - Secretary Not Sure. - Secretary? Secretary of what? 746 00:50:14,914 --> 00:50:19,510 Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together? Alone? 747 00:50:19,618 --> 00:50:24,021 You know, in the bushes? 748 00:50:25,758 --> 00:50:27,692 Oh, man. 749 00:50:36,268 --> 00:50:39,829 - Fuck her, Joe! - Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out? 750 00:50:39,939 --> 00:50:41,964 No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah. 751 00:50:42,074 --> 00:50:45,305 I thought you was in jail. How'd you get to be the secretary of interior? 752 00:50:45,411 --> 00:50:47,709 Just keep walking. I'll explain everything. 753 00:50:56,489 --> 00:50:58,457 Okay. Get ready to run. 754 00:51:00,926 --> 00:51:03,554 - What? - Oh, goddamn it. 755 00:51:03,662 --> 00:51:06,460 Way to go, Frito. You know what? Just make a run for it anyways. 756 00:51:06,565 --> 00:51:08,499 We'll ask for directions on the way. 757 00:51:08,601 --> 00:51:11,764 No way. I spent the last two days looking for it. It ain't easy to find. 758 00:51:11,871 --> 00:51:14,840 Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems. 759 00:51:14,940 --> 00:51:18,068 All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me. 760 00:51:18,177 --> 00:51:21,544 Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible! 761 00:51:21,647 --> 00:51:24,377 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd... 762 00:51:24,483 --> 00:51:26,474 could somehow magically travel through time... 763 00:51:26,585 --> 00:51:30,021 we got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay? 764 00:51:30,122 --> 00:51:32,022 So don't worry. You're safe. 765 00:51:32,124 --> 00:51:35,287 And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back... 766 00:51:35,394 --> 00:51:38,022 you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay? 767 00:51:38,130 --> 00:51:42,567 And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend. 768 00:51:42,668 --> 00:51:46,764 Hey! She's not puttin' out? 769 00:51:46,872 --> 00:51:51,002 Uh, no, she is. We, uh-We already did it. 770 00:51:51,110 --> 00:51:53,601 Yeah. He was great. 771 00:51:55,815 --> 00:51:59,478 Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh... 772 00:51:59,585 --> 00:52:01,553 if we'd go family-style on her. 773 00:52:04,089 --> 00:52:07,547 Uh, yeah, probably not right now. 774 00:52:07,660 --> 00:52:11,118 We should focus on the crops. So let's get back to work. Maybe later. 775 00:52:18,237 --> 00:52:19,932 What the hell is this? 776 00:52:22,842 --> 00:52:26,710 - Tastes like Gatorade. - Is that that Brawndo stuff? 777 00:52:26,812 --> 00:52:30,543 They're watering crops with a sports drink? 778 00:52:32,218 --> 00:52:34,948 Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water... 779 00:52:35,054 --> 00:52:37,215 virtually everywhere. 780 00:52:37,323 --> 00:52:39,518 Water, the basic component of all life... 781 00:52:39,625 --> 00:52:42,617 had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin. 782 00:52:42,728 --> 00:52:46,220 The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330... 783 00:52:46,332 --> 00:52:51,167 when the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F. D. A... 784 00:52:51,270 --> 00:52:52,737 and the F. C. C... 785 00:52:52,838 --> 00:52:55,068 enabling them to say, do and sell... 786 00:52:55,174 --> 00:52:57,074 anything they wanted. 787 00:53:02,114 --> 00:53:04,742 Joe didn't know any of this... 788 00:53:04,850 --> 00:53:08,843 but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve. 789 00:53:08,954 --> 00:53:13,516 - With his options running out, Joe took a bold step. 790 00:53:13,626 --> 00:53:15,753 He would not get out of the way. 791 00:53:15,861 --> 00:53:18,728 This time, he would lead. 792 00:53:18,831 --> 00:53:20,856 For the last time, I'm pretty sure... 793 00:53:20,966 --> 00:53:23,935 what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff. 794 00:53:24,036 --> 00:53:26,800 But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes. 795 00:53:26,906 --> 00:53:28,965 So wait a minute. What you're saying... 796 00:53:29,074 --> 00:53:32,874 is that you want us to put water on the crops. 797 00:53:32,978 --> 00:53:36,004 - Yes. - Water. Like out the toilet? 798 00:53:36,115 --> 00:53:40,108 Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea. 799 00:53:40,219 --> 00:53:43,552 - But Brawndo's got what plants crave. - It's got electrolytes. 800 00:53:43,656 --> 00:53:45,624 Okay, look. 801 00:53:45,724 --> 00:53:49,216 The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. 802 00:53:49,328 --> 00:53:53,992 Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow. 803 00:53:54,099 --> 00:53:57,796 Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet. 804 00:53:57,903 --> 00:54:01,168 Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world? 805 00:54:01,273 --> 00:54:05,232 - You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. 806 00:54:05,344 --> 00:54:09,303 So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave? 807 00:54:09,415 --> 00:54:11,883 Brawndo's got what plants crave. 808 00:54:11,984 --> 00:54:14,509 - Goddamn it. - Yeah, it's got electrolytes. 809 00:54:14,620 --> 00:54:17,054 What are electrolytes? Do you even know? 810 00:54:17,156 --> 00:54:19,920 It's what they use to make Brawndo. 811 00:54:20,025 --> 00:54:22,653 Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo? 812 00:54:22,761 --> 00:54:25,321 'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes. 813 00:54:28,334 --> 00:54:32,771 After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason... 814 00:54:32,871 --> 00:54:35,931 and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants... 815 00:54:36,041 --> 00:54:38,669 and that they wanted water. 816 00:54:39,778 --> 00:54:42,110 He made believers out of everyone. 817 00:54:42,214 --> 00:54:45,775 Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes... 818 00:54:45,884 --> 00:54:49,843 were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades... 819 00:54:49,955 --> 00:54:52,685 killing plants and leading to the dust bowl. 820 00:54:52,791 --> 00:54:58,525 As secretary of the interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water... 821 00:54:58,630 --> 00:55:03,761 promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end. 822 00:55:03,869 --> 00:55:07,896 He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon. 823 00:55:08,007 --> 00:55:11,135 Or so it seemed. 824 00:55:12,244 --> 00:55:16,146 Man, I hope somethin' grows fast. 825 00:55:16,248 --> 00:55:18,239 Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home. 826 00:55:18,350 --> 00:55:21,945 Man. You really think those people would have starved to death? 827 00:55:23,489 --> 00:55:28,119 I don't know. I mean, how did the world ever get like this? 828 00:55:28,227 --> 00:55:32,095 You know things are bad when they're comin' to me for answers. 829 00:55:32,197 --> 00:55:34,961 - It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone. - Mm-hmm. 830 00:55:35,067 --> 00:55:37,297 - I'm not used to it. - Yeah. Me neither. 831 00:55:40,039 --> 00:55:43,770 You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits? 832 00:55:43,876 --> 00:55:46,436 Yeah. Hadn't thought of that. 833 00:55:46,545 --> 00:55:50,675 - Now you know why he built that bomb. - Yeah. 834 00:55:53,085 --> 00:55:55,280 Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops- 835 00:55:55,387 --> 00:55:57,651 - Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that. - No. No. 836 00:55:57,756 --> 00:56:00,782 They said that you got me a pardon. 837 00:56:00,893 --> 00:56:03,919 You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so... 838 00:56:05,230 --> 00:56:07,858 I guess I owe you one. 839 00:56:10,069 --> 00:56:13,630 You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to. 840 00:56:15,040 --> 00:56:19,204 Oh. No. I'm- I'm all right. Yeah. 841 00:56:19,311 --> 00:56:23,372 Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be too happy about that. 842 00:56:23,482 --> 00:56:25,143 You in bed with a stranger. 843 00:56:26,885 --> 00:56:29,149 Yeah. 844 00:56:32,057 --> 00:56:33,888 I know. I know. 845 00:56:35,994 --> 00:56:40,988 Yeah. Oh, boy. 846 00:56:48,941 --> 00:56:51,501 Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd. 847 00:56:51,610 --> 00:56:54,044 Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd. 848 00:56:54,146 --> 00:56:56,444 Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked. 849 00:56:56,548 --> 00:56:58,880 But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero... 850 00:56:58,984 --> 00:57:01,418 leaving half the population unemployed... 851 00:57:01,520 --> 00:57:05,217 dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting... 852 00:57:05,324 --> 00:57:07,258 and screaming for Joe's head. 853 00:57:07,359 --> 00:57:10,055 An emergency cabinet meeting was called... 854 00:57:10,162 --> 00:57:12,494 with the C. E. O. of the Brawndo Corporation. 855 00:57:12,598 --> 00:57:15,066 How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator? 856 00:57:15,167 --> 00:57:17,533 Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo. 857 00:57:17,636 --> 00:57:20,400 Not anymore! The stock has dropped to zero... 858 00:57:20,506 --> 00:57:22,667 and the computer did that auto-layoff thing to everybody. 859 00:57:22,774 --> 00:57:25,334 - We're all unemployed! - You think that makes the "ecomony" suck? 860 00:57:25,444 --> 00:57:29,505 - Why is this happening? - I think it's because we switched to water, but- 861 00:57:29,615 --> 00:57:32,106 - You mean this is all your fault? - What? 862 00:57:32,217 --> 00:57:36,051 Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started happening when we switched to water! 863 00:57:36,155 --> 00:57:40,057 Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 864 00:57:42,794 --> 00:57:44,591 Fox News. 865 00:57:47,833 --> 00:57:50,893 He tried taking water from toilets... 866 00:57:51,003 --> 00:57:54,939 but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now. 867 00:57:55,040 --> 00:57:56,940 And as history pulls down its pants... 868 00:57:57,042 --> 00:58:00,307 and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head... 869 00:58:00,412 --> 00:58:04,405 it will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time. 870 00:58:04,516 --> 00:58:08,714 We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis... 871 00:58:08,820 --> 00:58:12,688 at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial. 872 00:58:15,194 --> 00:58:19,392 Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow... 873 00:58:19,498 --> 00:58:23,059 with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk. 874 00:58:23,168 --> 00:58:27,264 Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me! 875 00:58:27,372 --> 00:58:29,363 That part of the trial sucked. 876 00:58:29,474 --> 00:58:32,136 But then, the chief "J" just went off. 877 00:58:32,244 --> 00:58:34,269 He said, "Man, whatever. 878 00:58:34,379 --> 00:58:36,973 The guy's guilty as shit. We all know that. " 879 00:58:37,082 --> 00:58:40,848 And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabilitation. 880 00:58:40,953 --> 00:58:43,513 Hey, rehabilitation? One night? 881 00:58:43,622 --> 00:58:45,522 Doesn't sound so bad. 882 00:58:45,624 --> 00:58:47,489 Not so bad, huh? 883 00:58:47,593 --> 00:58:50,858 Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation. 884 00:59:01,840 --> 00:59:04,934 And who could forget that wonderful finish... 885 00:59:05,043 --> 00:59:07,534 by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones? 886 00:59:07,646 --> 00:59:11,343 And tomorrow night looks even more better. 887 00:59:11,450 --> 00:59:15,853 Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement. 888 00:59:15,954 --> 00:59:18,650 Wow. Thank you, Formica. 889 00:59:20,125 --> 00:59:23,117 So you think you can escape again like you did last time? 890 00:59:23,228 --> 00:59:26,026 - No. They pretty much fixed that. - How? 891 00:59:26,131 --> 00:59:28,395 They chained me to a big rock. 892 00:59:29,801 --> 00:59:31,701 - Oh. - Yeah. 893 00:59:31,803 --> 00:59:33,998 Look, Rita, get Frito. 894 00:59:34,106 --> 00:59:37,234 Get him to take you back to the time machine without me. Don't wait. 895 00:59:37,342 --> 00:59:41,369 No. You could have split on me before, but you didn't. 896 00:59:41,480 --> 00:59:44,881 Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay? 897 00:59:44,983 --> 00:59:47,543 Tell people to read books. 898 00:59:47,653 --> 00:59:49,746 Tell people to stay in school, you know. 899 00:59:49,855 --> 00:59:53,382 Tell people to just use their brains or something. 900 00:59:53,492 --> 00:59:56,689 I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me. 901 00:59:56,795 --> 01:00:01,391 I never did anything with my life. At least you were an artist, you know? 902 01:00:01,500 --> 01:00:04,060 - So just go back and- - Visit's over! 903 01:00:07,039 --> 01:00:10,497 And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay? 904 01:00:12,044 --> 01:00:14,012 Good luck, Joe. 905 01:00:21,219 --> 01:00:24,086 Okay, that's five down and one more to go. 906 01:00:24,189 --> 01:00:27,886 Are you ready for a monster-truck duel to the death? 907 01:00:27,993 --> 01:00:31,520 Yeah! Let's give it up for the Guitar Army. 908 01:00:33,632 --> 01:00:35,600 Okay, we're gonna do this shit. 909 01:00:35,701 --> 01:00:38,864 But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem... 910 01:00:38,970 --> 01:00:43,737 the star of Ow! My Balls! Hormel Chavez! 911 01:00:43,842 --> 01:00:46,777 Thank you. Thank you. 912 01:00:46,878 --> 01:00:51,872 Hey! Come here! 913 01:00:51,983 --> 01:00:55,544 Come here! 914 01:00:55,654 --> 01:00:57,554 Right in the balls! 915 01:00:57,656 --> 01:01:02,457 That's just how that shit went on TV! 916 01:01:02,561 --> 01:01:06,793 This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator. 917 01:01:06,898 --> 01:01:08,798 After you've killed someone... 918 01:01:08,900 --> 01:01:10,834 - your body needs electrolytes. - Yeah. 919 01:01:10,936 --> 01:01:14,235 So, my car's out front... 920 01:01:14,339 --> 01:01:16,603 whenever you want me to take you... 921 01:01:16,708 --> 01:01:18,938 to the time machine. 922 01:01:19,044 --> 01:01:20,978 Thanks, Frito. 923 01:01:21,079 --> 01:01:23,172 - Yeah. - I can't hear you! 924 01:01:23,281 --> 01:01:26,478 That's a real bummer about Joe, huh? 925 01:01:26,585 --> 01:01:29,179 - I can't hear you! - Yeah. 926 01:01:29,287 --> 01:01:34,748 Oh! Can you turn this up? I love Rehabilitation. 927 01:01:46,271 --> 01:01:50,731 Okay. Let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight. 928 01:01:50,842 --> 01:01:54,141 With a combined record of 62 kills... 929 01:01:54,246 --> 01:01:59,081 please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the Dildozer! 930 01:02:04,890 --> 01:02:10,658 And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blaster! 931 01:02:10,762 --> 01:02:12,730 I get a truck too, right? 932 01:02:12,831 --> 01:02:15,561 Yeah. Here it comes. 933 01:02:25,210 --> 01:02:27,178 Get in. 934 01:02:31,683 --> 01:02:34,049 You still got the chain attached. 935 01:02:36,254 --> 01:02:38,814 - Door won't shut. - What about the chain? 936 01:02:38,924 --> 01:02:40,892 - We could break it. - No. He could escape. 937 01:02:40,992 --> 01:02:44,553 - I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk. - Yeah. That'll work. 938 01:02:48,133 --> 01:02:51,694 - Who's smart now? - Let's bring out our criminal. 939 01:02:51,803 --> 01:02:54,931 He tried to ruin the country by pouring toilet water on crops. 940 01:02:55,040 --> 01:02:57,440 He cost millions of people their jobs. 941 01:02:57,542 --> 01:03:00,875 Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Sure! 942 01:03:12,891 --> 01:03:15,257 Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die. 943 01:03:15,360 --> 01:03:18,261 Are you ready for some car-on-car action? 944 01:03:18,363 --> 01:03:20,331 Yes. 945 01:03:21,433 --> 01:03:24,266 - I can't watch this. - This is- 946 01:03:24,369 --> 01:03:28,863 This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry. 947 01:03:30,675 --> 01:03:34,577 Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look! 948 01:03:34,679 --> 01:03:37,147 He was right. The water- it worked. 949 01:03:37,249 --> 01:03:39,877 Frito, can you get me over there? 950 01:03:40,852 --> 01:03:42,752 Yes. 951 01:03:42,854 --> 01:03:45,846 No, you fuckin' moron. To the Rehabilitation place. 952 01:03:45,957 --> 01:03:47,982 - Uh, this way. - Yeah! 953 01:03:52,564 --> 01:03:54,464 Come on, Frito. Hurry! 954 01:03:54,566 --> 01:03:57,592 And now the dude that everybody came here to see... 955 01:03:57,702 --> 01:04:01,297 - Yeah! - the only undefeated officer ever in history... 956 01:04:01,406 --> 01:04:04,933 coming out of retirement just to pound Not Sure's ass... 957 01:04:05,043 --> 01:04:10,003 driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history- 958 01:04:10,115 --> 01:04:13,983 bigger than the Dildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster... 959 01:04:14,085 --> 01:04:18,112 bigger and huger than everything ever before in history- 960 01:04:18,223 --> 01:04:21,158 the brand-new Assdozer! 961 01:04:21,259 --> 01:04:23,955 Give it up for Beef Supreme! 962 01:04:27,532 --> 01:04:29,432 Oh! 963 01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:37,374 Oh! 964 01:04:51,756 --> 01:04:55,021 Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh? 965 01:04:55,126 --> 01:04:57,617 We seem to be "experimenting"... 966 01:04:57,729 --> 01:05:01,028 some "techmological" differences... 967 01:05:01,132 --> 01:05:03,032 so, uh, shit. 968 01:05:03,134 --> 01:05:06,501 Frito, look! 969 01:05:06,605 --> 01:05:08,800 - It's working everywhere! - Huh. 970 01:05:08,907 --> 01:05:12,968 Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks. 971 01:05:13,078 --> 01:05:16,206 - Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was- - Man. 972 01:05:16,314 --> 01:05:18,339 - Hey! - Oh, oh, okay. 973 01:05:18,450 --> 01:05:20,645 - Get this shit started! - We're gonna start without Beef Supreme. 974 01:05:20,752 --> 01:05:24,483 Let the rehabilitation begin! 975 01:05:34,032 --> 01:05:36,592 Oh, shit. 976 01:05:36,701 --> 01:05:39,602 Come on. Come on. 977 01:05:39,704 --> 01:05:42,172 Come on, Frito. Hurry! 978 01:05:44,809 --> 01:05:47,505 Oh! 979 01:05:52,217 --> 01:05:53,741 Goddamn it. 980 01:05:56,154 --> 01:06:00,022 - Yeah! - Jesus, that was close. 981 01:06:02,527 --> 01:06:05,428 Mr. President! Mr. President, I need to talk to you. 982 01:06:05,530 --> 01:06:07,725 You gotta stop this thing. He was right about the water. 983 01:06:07,832 --> 01:06:10,733 We passed some crops on the way here. They're growing. 984 01:06:10,835 --> 01:06:12,735 I didn't see no crops. 985 01:06:13,872 --> 01:06:15,567 They're circling around. 986 01:06:15,674 --> 01:06:18,199 They're gonna do the Malachi Crunch on him! 987 01:06:20,845 --> 01:06:24,246 - This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody. - Oh! 988 01:06:45,070 --> 01:06:48,062 So, uh-So the winner is, uh- 989 01:06:49,874 --> 01:06:53,071 - You gotta be shittin' me. - Did he win? 990 01:06:55,947 --> 01:06:58,142 Uh-oh. Look. 991 01:07:00,018 --> 01:07:03,749 Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme! 992 01:07:11,096 --> 01:07:12,859 Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah! 993 01:07:12,964 --> 01:07:17,230 Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road... 994 01:07:17,335 --> 01:07:19,963 - right by the Starbucks? - Uh-huh. 995 01:07:20,071 --> 01:07:24,167 - Hey. Wanna make some money? - I like money. 996 01:07:38,389 --> 01:07:42,689 Hey, um, the, uh- the main screen is malfunctioning... 997 01:07:42,794 --> 01:07:45,319 and they gonna need you outside immediately. 998 01:07:48,533 --> 01:07:51,559 There's a bunch of whores in the hallway. 999 01:07:54,739 --> 01:07:57,230 Come on, Frito. Hurry. 1000 01:07:58,309 --> 01:08:00,402 Can't believe you like money too. 1001 01:08:00,512 --> 01:08:03,003 - We should hang out. - Totally. 1002 01:08:28,339 --> 01:08:30,364 He's behind the truck! 1003 01:08:32,477 --> 01:08:35,241 Yes! Yes! 1004 01:08:36,614 --> 01:08:38,673 - He's behind the fucking truck! - He's over there! 1005 01:08:38,783 --> 01:08:40,842 Behind the truck, stupid! 1006 01:08:51,162 --> 01:08:52,754 Look! 1007 01:08:54,966 --> 01:08:58,527 Shit. That's a good deal. 1008 01:08:58,636 --> 01:09:03,130 - Extra foam. - I got a bunch of money too. 1009 01:09:03,241 --> 01:09:05,869 - Forgot what it was for. - Huh. 1010 01:09:07,145 --> 01:09:10,945 - You think it was for lattes? - Yeah. Probably. 1011 01:09:11,049 --> 01:09:15,315 - You like money and sex? You're trippin' me out. - What the fuck? 1012 01:09:17,555 --> 01:09:19,785 - Yeah! - Yeah! 1013 01:09:29,434 --> 01:09:33,302 - Just hold on, okay? Everyone just take it easy, okay? 1014 01:09:33,404 --> 01:09:35,304 Can I just say something here? 1015 01:09:37,709 --> 01:09:40,644 I don't even know what I'm guilty of here. 1016 01:09:40,745 --> 01:09:44,647 I never said that I was the smartest person on earth. You people did. 1017 01:09:44,749 --> 01:09:48,412 I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money... 1018 01:09:48,519 --> 01:09:50,646 and I'm very sorry that that happened. 1019 01:09:50,755 --> 01:09:52,780 But I'm tellin' you... 1020 01:09:52,891 --> 01:09:55,257 if you put water on the crops, it might actually- 1021 01:09:55,360 --> 01:09:58,352 No, it will work. I promise you! 1022 01:09:58,463 --> 01:10:02,866 You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all. 1023 01:10:02,967 --> 01:10:07,802 So you can try and shoot me. You can try and run me over, whatever. 1024 01:10:07,906 --> 01:10:11,364 But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first. 1025 01:10:12,577 --> 01:10:15,102 Do you really want to live in a world... 1026 01:10:15,213 --> 01:10:18,705 where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you? 1027 01:10:29,560 --> 01:10:31,790 Hold on. Just hold on. 1028 01:10:53,184 --> 01:10:55,379 Oh, man. That was great. 1029 01:10:55,486 --> 01:10:59,149 Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there? 1030 01:10:59,257 --> 01:11:02,658 Shit. What do I look like, a pants goblin? 1031 01:11:02,760 --> 01:11:06,093 Wait. This reminds me of something. 1032 01:11:06,197 --> 01:11:09,064 Uh, "Rehabil-Rehabilate- 1033 01:11:09,167 --> 01:11:12,364 - Rehabilation. " - Why do you keep trying to read that word? 1034 01:11:12,470 --> 01:11:15,997 - You a fag? - I'll fag your face! 1035 01:11:24,649 --> 01:11:27,675 - Come on, Frito. - Yeah. I don't think so. 1036 01:11:29,053 --> 01:11:31,521 Oh, yeah. 1037 01:12:13,031 --> 01:12:17,491 This guy just got his ass a pardon! 1038 01:12:25,510 --> 01:12:27,273 Yeah! 1039 01:12:41,559 --> 01:12:44,995 Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say. 1040 01:12:45,096 --> 01:12:48,361 You saved my life. No one's ever done anything like that for me. 1041 01:12:48,466 --> 01:12:50,366 Yeah, well... 1042 01:12:50,468 --> 01:12:53,494 you were looking out for the whole world so, you know... 1043 01:12:53,604 --> 01:12:57,301 - I thought someone should look out for you too. - Thanks. 1044 01:12:58,910 --> 01:13:01,276 I can't believe I'm even saying this, but... 1045 01:13:01,379 --> 01:13:03,370 even though these people tried to kill me... 1046 01:13:03,481 --> 01:13:06,939 - you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em. - Yeah. 1047 01:13:07,051 --> 01:13:09,884 Frito- he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine. 1048 01:13:09,987 --> 01:13:13,218 I just, uh- I hope he's okay to drive. 1049 01:13:14,659 --> 01:13:17,787 It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show. 1050 01:13:17,895 --> 01:13:20,193 Thank you so much. 1051 01:13:20,298 --> 01:13:25,463 - Uh, Joe, I'm not going. - What? 1052 01:13:27,271 --> 01:13:31,139 I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again. 1053 01:13:31,242 --> 01:13:33,210 Maybe it's time I got a new start. 1054 01:13:33,311 --> 01:13:37,441 Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here. 1055 01:13:37,548 --> 01:13:40,210 - I'm gonna be a C. E. O. - At Starbucks? 1056 01:13:40,318 --> 01:13:43,151 - Yeah. - Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right? 1057 01:13:44,822 --> 01:13:48,223 Yeah. Sure. 1058 01:13:48,326 --> 01:13:50,157 I guess this is good-bye then. 1059 01:13:52,029 --> 01:13:54,259 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 1060 01:13:54,365 --> 01:13:58,529 I got a couple presidential decrees to make! 1061 01:13:58,636 --> 01:14:02,868 Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is. 1062 01:14:05,476 --> 01:14:07,706 Let me get that little peanut head up here. 1063 01:14:07,812 --> 01:14:10,576 Yo. Yo. 1064 01:14:10,681 --> 01:14:12,615 I have decided... 1065 01:14:12,717 --> 01:14:15,242 to make this man- 1066 01:14:15,353 --> 01:14:18,288 the man who solved all our problems- 1067 01:14:19,624 --> 01:14:22,286 I have decided to make him... 1068 01:14:22,393 --> 01:14:24,691 my new vice president. 1069 01:14:27,231 --> 01:14:30,462 Mr. President, thanks. That's real cool of you, sir... 1070 01:14:30,568 --> 01:14:34,436 - but I can't accept it, sir. - What? Why? 1071 01:14:34,539 --> 01:14:39,272 - You know, I gotta get home. - But we still got all these problems. 1072 01:14:39,377 --> 01:14:42,369 Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves. 1073 01:14:42,480 --> 01:14:44,948 - How? - Think about it, you know? 1074 01:14:45,049 --> 01:14:48,109 You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops. 1075 01:14:48,219 --> 01:14:52,747 But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"? 1076 01:14:52,857 --> 01:14:58,693 And what about the nuc- "nucular" reactor in Florida? 1077 01:14:58,796 --> 01:15:01,264 It's broke and leaky and something's happening. 1078 01:15:01,365 --> 01:15:06,735 - I thought it was in Georgia. - Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass. 1079 01:15:06,837 --> 01:15:09,897 Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put toilet water on it. Huh? 1080 01:15:10,007 --> 01:15:13,067 - Yeah! - Good, good. That's a good idea. 1081 01:15:13,177 --> 01:15:15,873 - Like we did on the crops. - Come on, vato. 1082 01:15:15,980 --> 01:15:18,278 Hey, you can't leave. 1083 01:15:18,382 --> 01:15:24,321 Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh? 1084 01:15:35,099 --> 01:15:39,502 I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I? You know what? 1085 01:15:39,604 --> 01:15:42,505 - Forget about the time machine. - Yeah! 1086 01:15:46,544 --> 01:15:49,945 That ride sucks anyways. 1087 01:15:50,047 --> 01:15:52,174 Ride? 1088 01:15:55,653 --> 01:15:58,121 Welcome to the Time Masheen. 1089 01:15:58,222 --> 01:16:02,716 We are going to take you back, first to the year 1939... 1090 01:16:02,827 --> 01:16:05,318 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime... 1091 01:16:05,429 --> 01:16:08,489 enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world. 1092 01:16:08,599 --> 01:16:11,193 So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time? 1093 01:16:11,302 --> 01:16:14,794 Yeah. You thought you could really travel through time, huh? 1094 01:16:14,905 --> 01:16:17,271 - Yeah, I guess I did. - Yeah. 1095 01:16:17,375 --> 01:16:20,310 For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes. 1096 01:16:20,411 --> 01:16:25,314 - So why didn't you tell us? - 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry. 1097 01:16:25,416 --> 01:16:29,216 But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money. 1098 01:16:29,320 --> 01:16:32,812 You know, 'cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account. 1099 01:16:32,923 --> 01:16:35,858 Uh, uh, uh- 1100 01:16:35,960 --> 01:16:38,724 Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay. 1101 01:16:40,264 --> 01:16:42,198 Well, I guess we're stuck here. 1102 01:16:42,300 --> 01:16:47,397 But then an even greater force emerged- the "UN." 1103 01:16:47,505 --> 01:16:51,803 And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever. 1104 01:16:51,976 --> 01:16:55,468 And so, after serving a short term as vice president... 1105 01:16:55,579 --> 01:16:58,878 Joe was elected the president of America. 1106 01:16:58,983 --> 01:17:01,144 Frito became vice president... 1107 01:17:01,252 --> 01:17:04,415 and Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady. 1108 01:17:04,522 --> 01:17:08,014 Today I step into the shoes of a great man... 1109 01:17:08,125 --> 01:17:12,255 a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo... 1110 01:17:12,363 --> 01:17:16,356 Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. 1111 01:17:16,467 --> 01:17:20,597 Under President Not Sure's leadership, a new era dawned. 1112 01:17:20,705 --> 01:17:24,539 You know, there was a time in this country... 1113 01:17:24,642 --> 01:17:28,908 when smart people were considered cool. 1114 01:17:29,013 --> 01:17:31,948 Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things... 1115 01:17:32,049 --> 01:17:36,110 like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon. 1116 01:17:36,220 --> 01:17:37,744 Yeah! 1117 01:17:39,890 --> 01:17:44,088 And there was a time in this country, a long time ago... 1118 01:17:44,195 --> 01:17:46,595 when reading wasn't just for fags... 1119 01:17:46,697 --> 01:17:48,961 and neither was writing. 1120 01:17:49,066 --> 01:17:53,162 People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories... 1121 01:17:53,270 --> 01:17:57,570 so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting. 1122 01:17:57,675 --> 01:18:01,133 And I believe that time can come again! 1123 01:18:13,057 --> 01:18:16,652 Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure! 1124 01:18:20,498 --> 01:18:22,466 Joe and Rita had three children... 1125 01:18:22,566 --> 01:18:25,364 the three smartest kids in the world. 1126 01:18:26,504 --> 01:18:28,995 Vice President Frito took eight wives... 1127 01:18:29,106 --> 01:18:31,540 and had a total of 32 kids- 1128 01:18:31,642 --> 01:18:34,873 thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth. 1129 01:18:40,117 --> 01:18:43,280 Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind... 1130 01:18:43,387 --> 01:18:45,821 but he got the ball rolling... 1131 01:18:45,923 --> 01:18:49,723 and that's pretty good for an average guy. 1132 01:23:49,626 --> 01:23:52,322 I'm gonna go find this ho. 1133 01:23:53,305 --> 01:24:53,612 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today