1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:30,000 Subtitles downloaded from https://kickasssubtitles.com 2 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,980 As the 21st century began... 3 00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:56,614 human evolution was at a turning point. 4 00:00:56,724 --> 00:01:01,661 Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest... 5 00:01:01,763 --> 00:01:05,324 the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest... 6 00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:09,266 a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man... 7 00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:11,770 now began to favor different traits. 8 00:01:11,873 --> 00:01:13,773 The Joey Buttafuoco case... 9 00:01:13,875 --> 00:01:17,675 Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized... 10 00:01:17,779 --> 00:01:19,872 and more intelligent. 11 00:01:19,981 --> 00:01:24,008 But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. 12 00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:26,086 A dumbing down. 13 00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:28,211 How did this happen? 14 00:01:28,323 --> 00:01:31,588 Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. 15 00:01:31,693 --> 00:01:34,217 With no natural predators to thin the herd... 16 00:01:34,329 --> 00:01:37,628 it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most... 17 00:01:37,732 --> 00:01:41,862 and left the intelligent to become an endangered species. 18 00:01:43,037 --> 00:01:47,497 Having kids is such an important decision. 19 00:01:47,609 --> 00:01:49,042 We're just waiting for the right time. 20 00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,475 It's not something you want to rush into, obviously. 21 00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:53,479 No way. 22 00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:55,981 Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again! 23 00:01:56,084 --> 00:01:59,178 Shit! I got too many damn kids! 24 00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:02,518 - I thought you was on the pill or some shit! - Hell, no! 25 00:02:02,624 --> 00:02:04,592 Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany. 26 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,819 Brittany? No, you didn't! 27 00:02:06,928 --> 00:02:09,988 - There's no way we could have a child now. - Mm-mm. 28 00:02:10,098 --> 00:02:12,066 Not with the market the way it is, no. 29 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,498 God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense. 30 00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:17,537 Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you! 31 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:20,301 Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here. 32 00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:23,673 - She don't mean nothin' to me, baby! - Clevon! 33 00:02:23,778 --> 00:02:26,838 Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me! 34 00:02:26,948 --> 00:02:30,247 Well, we finally decided to have children... 35 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:34,378 and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well. 36 00:02:34,489 --> 00:02:36,389 And this is helping. 37 00:02:36,491 --> 00:02:39,661 I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to... 38 00:02:39,694 --> 00:02:41,594 It's always me, right? 39 00:02:41,696 --> 00:02:45,063 Well, it's not my sperm count. 40 00:02:45,166 --> 00:02:47,726 Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all! 41 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,598 That's my boy! 42 00:02:49,704 --> 00:02:52,002 Whoo! Whoo! 43 00:02:53,908 --> 00:02:55,808 Clevon is lucky to be alive. 44 00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:58,242 He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake... 45 00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:01,577 into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate. 46 00:03:01,683 --> 00:03:03,742 But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research... 47 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:06,820 and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler... 48 00:03:06,921 --> 00:03:09,116 Clevon should regain full reproductive function. 49 00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:11,123 Get your hands off my junk! 50 00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:18,457 Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack... 51 00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,659 while masturbating... 52 00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:23,862 to produce sperm for artificial insemination. 53 00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,871 But I have some eggs frozen... 54 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:29,670 so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know... 55 00:03:33,915 --> 00:03:36,406 And so it went for generations... 56 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:39,315 although few, if any, seemed to notice. 57 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:45,188 But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C... 58 00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:49,230 a simple army librarian was unknowingly... 59 00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:53,232 about to change the entire course of human history. 60 00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,097 Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail! 61 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,000 Hey, Bauers. 62 00:04:01,109 --> 00:04:03,600 This is Peterson, your new replacement. 63 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:07,579 - My what? I'm gettin' replaced? - Yeah, they didn't tell you? 64 00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:09,775 - No. - Some new assignment. 65 00:04:09,885 --> 00:04:12,182 They're being all weird and hush-hush about it. 66 00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:15,205 I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. 67 00:04:15,223 --> 00:04:18,989 - I'm good at this. - Good at what? Sittin' on ass? 68 00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:21,687 No one ever comes in here. 69 00:04:21,796 --> 00:04:25,027 Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. 70 00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:28,193 If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. 71 00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:31,430 I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this? 72 00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:34,269 No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up. 73 00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:38,744 Jesus. I don't understand. Why me? 74 00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:42,475 Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way. 75 00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:46,213 When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." 76 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:50,381 It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following. 77 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,356 That doesn't embarrass me. 78 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,360 Look, Joe. You don't have a choice. 79 00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:56,293 You're just gonna have to follow. 80 00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:58,865 Like, follow me upstairs, like, now. 81 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:02,732 Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy? 82 00:05:02,837 --> 00:05:07,035 I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go. 83 00:05:14,115 --> 00:05:17,175 Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers... 84 00:05:17,285 --> 00:05:20,413 our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment. 85 00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,455 Now, as you know, throughout the years... 86 00:05:22,557 --> 00:05:25,025 many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... 87 00:05:25,126 --> 00:05:27,321 often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle. 88 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:32,162 With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men... 89 00:05:32,266 --> 00:05:35,201 frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most. 90 00:05:35,303 --> 00:05:39,034 Joe, here, is not one of our best men. 91 00:05:39,140 --> 00:05:43,770 Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is. 92 00:05:43,879 --> 00:05:48,543 Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly. 93 00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:51,413 The most average person in our entire armed forces. 94 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,044 Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried... 95 00:05:54,155 --> 00:05:56,454 is an only child, and both parents are deceased... 96 00:05:56,557 --> 00:06:00,220 making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... 97 00:06:00,328 --> 00:06:02,388 should something go wrong with the experiment. 98 00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:07,058 We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks... 99 00:06:07,168 --> 00:06:11,229 and were forced to look into the private sector. 100 00:06:11,339 --> 00:06:14,797 This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family. 101 00:06:14,910 --> 00:06:17,639 Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... 102 00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:21,806 in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee. 103 00:06:21,917 --> 00:06:25,613 We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp... 104 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:29,747 a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly... 105 00:06:31,359 --> 00:06:35,523 With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping. 106 00:06:35,630 --> 00:06:37,924 Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... 107 00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:41,298 and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... 108 00:06:41,403 --> 00:06:44,633 with the local authorities in running his pimp game. 109 00:06:44,739 --> 00:06:48,903 First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust. 110 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:52,839 Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please? 111 00:06:52,948 --> 00:06:55,246 Sure. Let me just finish here. 112 00:06:55,349 --> 00:06:59,649 You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square. 113 00:06:59,754 --> 00:07:01,779 Collins! 114 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,558 Fine. We'll move on. 115 00:07:05,660 --> 00:07:08,458 It is a fascinating world though. 116 00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,467 Jesus, Collins. 117 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,871 Yeah, that's... 118 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:31,946 Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... 119 00:07:32,053 --> 00:07:34,044 are to be placed into a dry freeze... 120 00:07:34,155 --> 00:07:36,487 for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow. 121 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,785 As you know, this is highly classified. 122 00:07:38,894 --> 00:07:44,025 However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely. 123 00:07:50,805 --> 00:07:54,263 So this is kinda crazy, huh? 124 00:07:54,376 --> 00:07:57,902 - What unit are you with? - Oh, I ain't in the service. 125 00:07:58,013 --> 00:08:00,879 Oh, private sector. Okay. 126 00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:05,476 - So, uh, what do you do? - A little of this, a little of that. 127 00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,782 Wow, that's great. 128 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:10,721 You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way... 129 00:08:10,825 --> 00:08:12,850 Doing a little of this and a little of that. 130 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,762 I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures... 131 00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,766 and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market. 132 00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:21,768 Yeah. 133 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:26,639 So, uh, you an artist or somethin'? 134 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,843 - Uh, yeah. - You do paintings or... 135 00:08:30,946 --> 00:08:33,414 - Yeah, paintings. - Okay, great. 136 00:08:35,016 --> 00:08:37,678 - Mm-hmm. - What do you paint mostly? 137 00:08:39,321 --> 00:08:43,848 I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit. 138 00:08:43,959 --> 00:08:49,123 Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love. 139 00:08:49,231 --> 00:08:51,858 Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be. 140 00:08:51,967 --> 00:08:53,628 Who wants to go first? 141 00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:56,225 Me. 142 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:04,276 What the f... Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh. 143 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:08,075 Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all. 144 00:09:08,183 --> 00:09:11,311 What's the matter? - Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... 145 00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:13,479 in no damn coffin with tubes and shit! 146 00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:16,580 Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me. 147 00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,248 Who's Upgrayedd? 148 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,327 He's my boyfriend. 149 00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:23,631 Man, how do you know this shit's safe? 150 00:09:23,732 --> 00:09:25,692 These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry. 151 00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:28,497 They've tested it on dogs and everything. 152 00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:31,470 What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep... 153 00:09:31,573 --> 00:09:33,563 we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again. 154 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,666 - It'll be fine. - All right. 155 00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:39,679 Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch? 156 00:09:41,016 --> 00:09:44,348 See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student. 157 00:09:44,452 --> 00:09:45,977 His name was Untgrad. 158 00:09:46,087 --> 00:09:48,112 Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here. 159 00:09:48,223 --> 00:09:51,020 Just go ahead and lie down. Relax. 160 00:10:00,302 --> 00:10:02,098 See you in a year. 161 00:10:02,204 --> 00:10:04,866 The Human Hibernation Project... 162 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,999 was one of the army's most ambitious experiments... 163 00:10:08,109 --> 00:10:10,942 and one of its most secretive. 164 00:10:11,046 --> 00:10:13,479 But it was not immune from human error. 165 00:10:16,318 --> 00:10:18,217 Freeze! 166 00:10:26,862 --> 00:10:30,592 Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed... 167 00:10:30,699 --> 00:10:33,463 the base was closed. 168 00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:38,267 It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten. 169 00:10:40,642 --> 00:10:44,407 Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind. 170 00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:47,777 As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed... 171 00:10:47,883 --> 00:10:51,909 and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. 172 00:11:00,594 --> 00:11:04,395 Some had high hopes that genetic engineering... 173 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,490 would correct this trend in evolution. 174 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,764 But sadly, the greatest minds and resources... 175 00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:14,740 were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections. 176 00:11:17,312 --> 00:11:22,750 Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline... 177 00:11:22,851 --> 00:11:27,446 until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems. 178 00:11:27,556 --> 00:11:32,549 Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever... 179 00:11:32,661 --> 00:11:37,529 leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505... 180 00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:42,968 which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever. 181 00:12:17,005 --> 00:12:19,768 - Hold on. - Next, on The Violence Channel... 182 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:22,104 an all-new Ow! My Balls! 183 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:38,457 All right. 184 00:12:45,467 --> 00:12:47,958 That guy got hit in the balls. 185 00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:50,594 Ow, my balls! 186 00:12:54,576 --> 00:12:56,476 Huh? 187 00:13:04,219 --> 00:13:06,710 - Where's... - Hold on. Shut up! 188 00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,464 - Where's Officer Collins? - Shut up! 189 00:13:21,569 --> 00:13:25,197 Next week on Ow! My Balls! Hormel goes to Paris! 190 00:13:25,307 --> 00:13:30,039 - Are we on base? - I'm gonna base your ass on my fist. 191 00:13:30,145 --> 00:13:33,581 In your face, ass! Shut up. 192 00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:35,809 I'm sorry. It's just... Where am I? 193 00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:38,112 Shut up! I told you already! 194 00:13:45,327 --> 00:13:48,489 Yeah! Wouldn't shut up! 195 00:13:48,596 --> 00:13:50,257 Come in here and not shut up. 196 00:13:50,365 --> 00:13:53,926 Yeah, you were like, "I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like... 197 00:14:09,117 --> 00:14:11,516 Unaware of what year it was... 198 00:14:11,619 --> 00:14:14,611 Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help. 199 00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:17,089 But the English language had deteriorated... 200 00:14:17,192 --> 00:14:22,289 into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts. 201 00:14:22,397 --> 00:14:25,833 Joe was able to understand them... 202 00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:29,301 but when he spoke in an ordinary voice... 203 00:14:29,404 --> 00:14:31,997 he sounded pompous and faggy to them. 204 00:14:48,223 --> 00:14:51,590 Paging Doc... 205 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:58,131 Report to, uh... 206 00:14:58,233 --> 00:15:02,635 Dr. Lueboo... 207 00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:03,965 uh, report. 208 00:15:04,072 --> 00:15:06,938 Your floor-Your floor is now clean. 209 00:15:07,041 --> 00:15:09,271 Your floor... Your floor is now clean. 210 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,742 Your floor... Your floor is now clean. 211 00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:16,977 Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well. 212 00:15:17,085 --> 00:15:19,678 I think it might have been the drugs they had me on. 213 00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:21,915 I've been hallucinating. 214 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:24,490 My head is just killin' me. 215 00:15:24,592 --> 00:15:27,617 My-My-My joints are all achy and I... 216 00:15:29,364 --> 00:15:31,264 Is this a hospital or... 217 00:15:31,366 --> 00:15:35,496 Actually, I don't even know where I am. 218 00:15:35,603 --> 00:15:37,833 Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right... 219 00:15:37,939 --> 00:15:42,273 - and have a healthy day! - Oh. Thanks. 220 00:15:42,377 --> 00:15:44,140 Thank you! 221 00:15:55,256 --> 00:15:59,351 Uh, 'scuse me. I think this might be Gatorade or somethin'. 222 00:15:59,461 --> 00:16:02,362 - I was just looking for some regular water. - Water? 223 00:16:02,464 --> 00:16:05,490 - Yeah. - You mean like in the toilet? What for? 224 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,501 You know, just to drink. 225 00:16:16,678 --> 00:16:18,542 You've got hepatitis! 226 00:16:18,646 --> 00:16:21,410 Oh, is someone not feeling well? 227 00:16:21,516 --> 00:16:25,077 Your illness is very important to us. 228 00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:28,053 Next. - Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno... 229 00:16:28,156 --> 00:16:30,181 - powered by Jormi Technology. - Uh, this goes in your mouth. 230 00:16:30,291 --> 00:16:35,728 This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt. 231 00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:39,694 Come on. 232 00:16:39,801 --> 00:16:42,702 - Hurry up, asshole! - Come on! 233 00:16:44,506 --> 00:16:46,736 Shit. Hang on a second. 234 00:16:48,510 --> 00:16:50,944 This one... No. 235 00:16:51,045 --> 00:16:52,876 - Hey, come on. - Uh... 236 00:16:52,981 --> 00:16:56,178 - Hurry up! - This one. This one goes in your mouth. 237 00:16:58,553 --> 00:17:00,453 Come on! 238 00:17:05,994 --> 00:17:09,020 Thank you for waiting. Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly. 239 00:17:14,569 --> 00:17:17,367 That's a weird misprint. 240 00:17:18,706 --> 00:17:22,574 Hey. How's it hang, ese? 241 00:17:22,677 --> 00:17:26,374 Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know. 242 00:17:26,481 --> 00:17:29,473 I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seein' things. 243 00:17:29,584 --> 00:17:32,485 I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on. 244 00:17:32,587 --> 00:17:36,284 But, if you could, uh, just get me well enough to get back to base... 245 00:17:36,391 --> 00:17:39,053 Right. Kick ass. 246 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:42,288 Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin'... 247 00:17:42,397 --> 00:17:45,230 but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up. 248 00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:48,825 You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. 249 00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:53,306 What I'd do is just like, like, you know... 250 00:17:53,408 --> 00:17:56,844 like, you know what I mean? Like... 251 00:17:56,945 --> 00:18:01,211 - No, I'm serious here. - Don't worry, scrot. 252 00:18:01,316 --> 00:18:04,342 Now there are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. 253 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,819 My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now. 254 00:18:07,922 --> 00:18:11,790 I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help. 255 00:18:11,893 --> 00:18:13,656 There's that fag talk we talked about. 256 00:18:13,761 --> 00:18:17,595 All right, so that'll be... this many dollars. 257 00:18:17,699 --> 00:18:21,760 And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit. 258 00:18:21,869 --> 00:18:25,805 That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine. 259 00:18:25,907 --> 00:18:29,968 - What are the odds of... - Where's your tattoo? Tattoo? 260 00:18:30,078 --> 00:18:32,842 Why don't you have this? 261 00:18:35,550 --> 00:18:37,450 Oh, God. 262 00:18:40,121 --> 00:18:42,611 - Where's your tattoo? - Oh, my God. 263 00:18:42,724 --> 00:18:45,192 Why come you don't have a tattoo? 264 00:18:46,794 --> 00:18:49,854 - Oh, my God! - You're not unscannable, are you? 265 00:18:51,099 --> 00:18:53,294 Oh, my God! 266 00:18:53,401 --> 00:18:56,837 You're unscannable. 267 00:18:56,938 --> 00:18:59,736 - Unscannable! - No! No, you don't understand! 268 00:18:59,841 --> 00:19:02,401 You gotta let me talk to someone in the army! Wait a second. 269 00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:05,343 They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead! 270 00:19:05,446 --> 00:19:07,175 Oh, my God! Oh! 271 00:19:09,250 --> 00:19:12,413 - No! Stop! Calm down! - Calm down! Calm down! 272 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,681 - How'd this happen? - How did it happen? 273 00:19:14,789 --> 00:19:18,020 Your floor is now clean. 274 00:19:18,126 --> 00:19:20,390 Your floor is now clean. 275 00:19:40,782 --> 00:19:44,718 Joe had awakened to a world in crisis. 276 00:19:44,819 --> 00:19:48,050 The economy was in a state of deep neglect. 277 00:19:48,156 --> 00:19:51,614 A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies. 278 00:19:51,726 --> 00:19:56,561 And the number one movie in the country was called Ass. 279 00:19:58,366 --> 00:20:01,494 And that's all it was for 90 minutes. 280 00:20:03,671 --> 00:20:08,768 It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay. 281 00:20:12,848 --> 00:20:15,941 Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries. 282 00:20:16,050 --> 00:20:19,042 You didn't gimme no fries. I got an empty box. 283 00:20:19,153 --> 00:20:21,986 Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries? 284 00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:23,786 I said I didn't get any. 285 00:20:23,891 --> 00:20:25,756 Thank you. Your account has been charged. 286 00:20:25,861 --> 00:20:27,760 Your balance is zero. 287 00:20:27,863 --> 00:20:31,355 What? Oh, no. No! - Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 288 00:20:31,466 --> 00:20:33,366 I'm sorry you're having trouble. 289 00:20:33,468 --> 00:20:36,221 - Come on! My kids are starvin'. - I'm sorry you're having trouble. 290 00:20:38,506 --> 00:20:40,998 This should help you calm down. 291 00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:43,977 Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 292 00:20:44,078 --> 00:20:49,277 Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry. 293 00:20:49,383 --> 00:20:54,343 You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr. 294 00:20:54,455 --> 00:20:57,481 Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating." 295 00:20:58,826 --> 00:21:00,657 Welcome to Carl's Jr. 296 00:21:00,762 --> 00:21:04,357 Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco... 297 00:21:04,465 --> 00:21:07,025 now with more molecules? 298 00:21:07,135 --> 00:21:10,127 Hey! Is this particular individual the unfit mother? 299 00:21:10,238 --> 00:21:14,174 - Me? No. - Okay. This particular individual is unscannable. 300 00:21:17,546 --> 00:21:19,881 Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment. 301 00:21:22,717 --> 00:21:25,311 Wait a second. There's the other pod from the army experiment. 302 00:21:25,419 --> 00:21:27,683 There was a girl. She was from the same experiment. 303 00:21:27,789 --> 00:21:31,156 Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir. 304 00:21:31,259 --> 00:21:33,386 Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill... 305 00:21:33,394 --> 00:21:36,830 and not having his U.P.C. tattoo. 306 00:21:36,932 --> 00:21:42,233 He would soon discover that in the future, justice was not only blind... 307 00:21:42,336 --> 00:21:46,137 but had become rather retarded as well. 308 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,209 You shut up! Now... 309 00:21:50,912 --> 00:21:53,642 I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here. 310 00:21:53,748 --> 00:21:58,378 We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here. 311 00:21:58,486 --> 00:22:02,650 Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money... 312 00:22:02,757 --> 00:22:06,090 we have "proprietarily" obtained for you... 313 00:22:06,194 --> 00:22:10,028 one of them court-appointed lawyers. 314 00:22:10,131 --> 00:22:15,159 So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo. 315 00:22:15,269 --> 00:22:16,998 You're my lawyer? 316 00:22:17,104 --> 00:22:21,439 Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital? 317 00:22:21,542 --> 00:22:23,942 - Why'd you do that? - Yeah. I'm not guilty. 318 00:22:24,045 --> 00:22:26,924 - That's not what the other lawyer said. - What do you mean what the... 319 00:22:26,948 --> 00:22:28,916 Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay? 320 00:22:29,016 --> 00:22:32,061 I can explain everything. We can take 'em to your house, show 'em the pod. 321 00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,383 Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 322 00:22:34,488 --> 00:22:37,924 Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it? 323 00:22:38,025 --> 00:22:41,051 Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him. 324 00:22:43,698 --> 00:22:46,690 He talks like a fag too. 325 00:22:46,801 --> 00:22:50,498 And "B," we've got all this, like, evidence... 326 00:22:50,605 --> 00:22:53,540 of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital. 327 00:22:53,642 --> 00:22:56,576 And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo. 328 00:22:56,677 --> 00:22:58,942 I know! 329 00:22:59,046 --> 00:23:02,573 And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me." But check this out, man. 330 00:23:02,683 --> 00:23:05,584 Judge should be like, "Guilty." Peace. 331 00:23:10,691 --> 00:23:13,990 - Objection! - What are you objectifyin' on? 332 00:23:14,095 --> 00:23:16,359 - Come on. Just get me on the stand. - Okay. 333 00:23:17,399 --> 00:23:20,129 - Um, Your Honor? - Hmm? 334 00:23:20,234 --> 00:23:22,065 I object... 335 00:23:22,169 --> 00:23:26,163 that this guy also broke my apartment to shit. 336 00:23:26,274 --> 00:23:28,265 - Yeah. - What? 337 00:23:28,376 --> 00:23:32,904 And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me... 338 00:23:33,014 --> 00:23:36,142 after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital! 339 00:23:36,250 --> 00:23:38,241 Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer. 340 00:23:38,352 --> 00:23:40,286 And I object. 341 00:23:40,388 --> 00:23:44,256 I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls! 342 00:23:44,358 --> 00:23:48,819 That is not okay! And I rest my case! 343 00:23:48,930 --> 00:23:51,331 Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir. 344 00:23:51,433 --> 00:23:54,800 I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up. 345 00:23:54,902 --> 00:23:57,370 - Please, listen. - "Please, listen." 346 00:23:57,471 --> 00:23:59,200 I didn't steal anything. 347 00:23:59,307 --> 00:24:01,207 I was part of an army experiment... 348 00:24:01,309 --> 00:24:04,301 Joe stated his case logically and passionately... 349 00:24:04,412 --> 00:24:09,509 but his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales of stupid laughter. 350 00:24:09,618 --> 00:24:11,279 Guilty! 351 00:24:11,385 --> 00:24:16,016 Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence. 352 00:24:16,123 --> 00:24:20,823 Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession... 353 00:24:20,928 --> 00:24:24,165 was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons. 354 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:25,029 Was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons. 355 00:24:25,132 --> 00:24:28,863 Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance. 356 00:24:28,970 --> 00:24:31,336 Please say the name of the person you wish to call. 357 00:24:31,439 --> 00:24:33,270 Upgrayedd. 358 00:24:34,408 --> 00:24:38,970 There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd. 359 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,344 Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection. 360 00:24:41,449 --> 00:24:43,349 - Man, what? - Oh, yeah, baby. 361 00:24:43,451 --> 00:24:45,920 Hey, look, can you just... Can you wait a second, please? 362 00:24:46,021 --> 00:24:50,390 Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good. 363 00:24:51,425 --> 00:24:53,359 Really? 364 00:24:54,663 --> 00:24:56,994 Think, uh-You think maybe you could wait a day? 365 00:24:57,098 --> 00:24:59,226 Baby, I can wait two days. 366 00:24:59,333 --> 00:25:03,896 Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour. 367 00:25:04,005 --> 00:25:07,942 Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby. 368 00:25:08,043 --> 00:25:09,943 Thank you very much, young man. 369 00:25:12,214 --> 00:25:13,875 What the fuck? 370 00:25:13,981 --> 00:25:16,506 Goddamn, shit's changed in a year. 371 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,420 What are we doin' here? 372 00:25:20,522 --> 00:25:23,012 Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo. 373 00:25:26,027 --> 00:25:29,190 Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America. 374 00:25:29,296 --> 00:25:33,960 Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle. 375 00:25:35,070 --> 00:25:36,970 Thank you. 376 00:25:37,072 --> 00:25:41,030 Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card... 377 00:25:41,142 --> 00:25:44,544 - Document number G24L8. - I'm not sure if... 378 00:25:44,645 --> 00:25:48,639 You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure? 379 00:25:48,749 --> 00:25:50,650 No, it's not correct. 380 00:25:50,751 --> 00:25:54,346 Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct? 381 00:25:54,456 --> 00:25:56,481 No, it's not. My name is Joe... 382 00:25:56,590 --> 00:25:58,421 You've already confirmed your first name is Not. 383 00:25:58,527 --> 00:26:02,155 - Please confirm your last name, "Sure." - My... 384 00:26:02,264 --> 00:26:04,664 My last name is not Sure. 385 00:26:04,765 --> 00:26:07,394 - Thank you, Not Sure. - No. What I mean is my name is Joe. 386 00:26:07,501 --> 00:26:12,838 Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm. 387 00:26:14,942 --> 00:26:17,775 Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this? 388 00:26:17,878 --> 00:26:20,313 Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning? 389 00:26:20,414 --> 00:26:23,645 They're gonna tat... Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor? 390 00:26:23,752 --> 00:26:26,778 - Ow! - Please hold still for your photograph. 391 00:26:36,298 --> 00:26:38,857 Oh, that's fuckin' great. 392 00:26:41,403 --> 00:26:43,303 Okay, sir... 393 00:26:43,405 --> 00:26:47,738 now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests. 394 00:26:47,843 --> 00:26:49,777 What for? 395 00:26:49,878 --> 00:26:54,109 Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at... 396 00:26:54,216 --> 00:26:59,347 and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail. 397 00:26:59,453 --> 00:27:02,388 If you have one bucket that holds two gallons... 398 00:27:02,490 --> 00:27:05,050 and another bucket that holds five gallons... 399 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,923 how many buckets do you have? 400 00:27:09,865 --> 00:27:11,764 Two? 401 00:27:11,867 --> 00:27:13,834 Thank you. 402 00:27:53,807 --> 00:27:55,775 'Too. 403 00:28:18,300 --> 00:28:20,962 Desperate and scared... 404 00:28:21,068 --> 00:28:23,867 Joe used his superior intelligence... 405 00:28:23,972 --> 00:28:26,873 to come up with the best escape plan he could think of. 406 00:28:26,975 --> 00:28:32,607 Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir. 407 00:28:33,814 --> 00:28:35,873 Yeah. 408 00:28:35,984 --> 00:28:38,918 You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there. 409 00:28:39,019 --> 00:28:42,318 I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry. 410 00:28:42,424 --> 00:28:44,085 Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through. 411 00:29:01,141 --> 00:29:03,838 - 'Too. - Yeah. Got it. 412 00:29:06,248 --> 00:29:11,618 Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here. So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison. 413 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:13,620 Could you check again? 414 00:29:13,722 --> 00:29:16,782 'Cause, I was, you know... I was definitely in prison, okay? 415 00:29:16,891 --> 00:29:20,827 I got sat on my face and everything. Maybe check those files back there? 416 00:29:27,402 --> 00:29:31,668 "Excape." "Excape." 417 00:29:31,773 --> 00:29:34,333 "Excape." "Excape." 418 00:29:34,441 --> 00:29:38,208 "Excape." "Excape." 419 00:29:55,563 --> 00:29:57,462 The Masturbation Network. 420 00:29:57,565 --> 00:30:01,057 Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years. 421 00:30:01,168 --> 00:30:03,865 And now, Sweet Bang Tube. 422 00:30:03,972 --> 00:30:08,738 Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece. 423 00:30:08,842 --> 00:30:10,834 Oh, yeah, that's... 424 00:30:10,945 --> 00:30:12,844 Go away! 'Batin'! 425 00:30:14,949 --> 00:30:17,143 Damn it. 426 00:30:17,252 --> 00:30:19,743 All right. 427 00:30:21,755 --> 00:30:24,691 Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here! 428 00:30:24,793 --> 00:30:28,889 No, wait, listen. You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail. 429 00:30:28,997 --> 00:30:32,364 So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house. 430 00:30:32,467 --> 00:30:35,401 Hey, I could have you disbarred... Disbarred... for what you did to me. 431 00:30:35,502 --> 00:30:38,164 Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havin' any money. 432 00:30:38,273 --> 00:30:40,366 Oh, really? 433 00:30:40,475 --> 00:30:43,773 Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal. 434 00:30:43,877 --> 00:30:45,869 I've been thinking. It's been 500 years. 435 00:30:45,980 --> 00:30:48,948 Someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time by now. 436 00:30:49,049 --> 00:30:51,951 You know, I think they were pretty close even in my day. You know? 437 00:30:52,052 --> 00:30:53,953 - With Einstein and guys like that? - Uh-huh. 438 00:30:54,054 --> 00:30:56,614 - You know, scientists? You know? - Uh. 439 00:30:57,958 --> 00:30:59,859 A time machine, for time travel. 440 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,589 - Do they have one? - What? 441 00:31:06,901 --> 00:31:10,802 Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for. 442 00:31:11,906 --> 00:31:14,033 No, no, they got a time machine. 443 00:31:14,142 --> 00:31:16,042 - They do? - Yeah. 444 00:31:16,144 --> 00:31:18,044 - Are-Are-Are you sure? - Yeah. 445 00:31:18,146 --> 00:31:21,980 - Can it get me back to 2005? - Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive. 446 00:31:22,082 --> 00:31:25,314 And it breaks all the time 'cause some smart guy made it a long time ago. 447 00:31:25,420 --> 00:31:27,581 I don't care. Just get me there, okay? 448 00:31:27,689 --> 00:31:29,156 - Well... - Please! 449 00:31:29,256 --> 00:31:32,488 Listen, I... I... I "supersize" with you... 450 00:31:32,594 --> 00:31:35,358 but didn't you go to jail for not havin' enough money? 451 00:31:35,462 --> 00:31:39,593 Okay, how about this? You get me to the time machine, and when I get back... 452 00:31:39,701 --> 00:31:41,692 I open a savings account in your name. 453 00:31:41,803 --> 00:31:44,328 That way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions. 454 00:31:44,439 --> 00:31:45,962 - Billions! - 'Cause? 455 00:31:46,074 --> 00:31:48,907 'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars. 456 00:31:49,009 --> 00:31:51,570 - Oh, I... I like money. - Yeah. 457 00:31:51,679 --> 00:31:54,671 - How many billions? - Like, 10. 458 00:31:54,783 --> 00:31:57,945 Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20. 459 00:31:58,052 --> 00:32:00,849 Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito. 460 00:32:00,955 --> 00:32:04,118 Thirty billion dollars. 461 00:32:04,225 --> 00:32:08,661 Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion... 462 00:32:08,762 --> 00:32:10,754 and the time machine's 20... 463 00:32:10,864 --> 00:32:12,799 What's the minus of 30 and 20? 464 00:32:12,901 --> 00:32:15,631 Uh, it's, uh... It's 80, Frito. 465 00:32:15,737 --> 00:32:18,261 It's $80 billion. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it? 466 00:32:18,373 --> 00:32:22,104 - Yeah. I like money though. - Police! Open the door! 467 00:32:22,210 --> 00:32:24,371 We're looking for an "excaped" individual. 468 00:32:24,479 --> 00:32:28,073 - This particular individual's name is Not Sure. - Eighty billion. 469 00:32:28,183 --> 00:32:32,175 Oh, um, he... He's... somewhere else. 470 00:32:32,287 --> 00:32:36,620 You got something I can wear? - Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle. 471 00:32:36,724 --> 00:32:38,851 A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo. 472 00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:41,723 Seemed to be heading for this particular "domistile." 473 00:32:41,830 --> 00:32:44,230 Okay, sir, we're comin' in. 474 00:32:44,331 --> 00:32:46,629 - No, you can't come in. - Can too! 475 00:32:46,734 --> 00:32:48,793 - Come on! - All right, let's go get my billions. 476 00:32:51,105 --> 00:32:55,166 Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay? 477 00:32:55,276 --> 00:32:58,040 - Is she bangin'? - Yeah, sure, she is. 478 00:32:58,146 --> 00:33:00,046 That wasn't really part of the deal. 479 00:33:00,148 --> 00:33:04,050 Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right? - I like money. 480 00:33:04,152 --> 00:33:07,211 Okay, her pod's up here on the right. She shouldn't be far away, I hope. 481 00:33:07,322 --> 00:33:12,089 Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah? So when we gonna do it? 482 00:33:12,192 --> 00:33:15,526 'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days. 483 00:33:15,630 --> 00:33:19,623 Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what? 484 00:33:19,733 --> 00:33:22,362 Why don't you come back tomorrow? 485 00:33:22,469 --> 00:33:25,098 - Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah! - Yeah? 486 00:33:25,205 --> 00:33:28,369 When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me. 487 00:33:28,475 --> 00:33:31,934 That's right. Whatever you say, sir. 488 00:33:32,046 --> 00:33:34,514 - Hey, you still on the clock! - Yeah, girl. 489 00:33:34,616 --> 00:33:37,744 - Thank you! - Rita! 490 00:33:37,851 --> 00:33:41,720 Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment. Get in the car! Come on. 491 00:33:41,823 --> 00:33:44,121 Oh, yeah! What the hell, man? 492 00:33:44,225 --> 00:33:46,125 Just get in the car. I'll explain everything. 493 00:33:46,227 --> 00:33:48,718 - Where we going? - Just get in the car. 494 00:33:48,830 --> 00:33:50,991 - Trust me. - What happened to those army guys? 495 00:33:53,867 --> 00:33:56,359 Wait a minute. You got cops after you? 496 00:33:56,471 --> 00:34:00,100 Yeah. - And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole! 497 00:34:00,208 --> 00:34:02,676 Frito, take a right here. Right, right! 498 00:34:02,776 --> 00:34:04,745 Into that dust storm, Frito. 499 00:34:10,919 --> 00:34:12,978 They must have just forgotten about us. 500 00:34:13,087 --> 00:34:16,488 It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no! 501 00:34:16,591 --> 00:34:20,789 Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money! 502 00:34:20,895 --> 00:34:22,988 So, you owe your boyfriend money? 503 00:34:23,097 --> 00:34:25,588 Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too. 504 00:34:25,700 --> 00:34:29,500 You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit. 505 00:34:29,604 --> 00:34:34,940 Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now. 506 00:34:35,043 --> 00:34:37,841 Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? - Yeah. 507 00:34:37,946 --> 00:34:41,473 Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past... 508 00:34:41,583 --> 00:34:43,983 but there was no time machine back then, so... 509 00:34:44,085 --> 00:34:47,020 Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week... 510 00:34:47,121 --> 00:34:50,090 He will find a way to come get his money! 511 00:34:50,190 --> 00:34:53,285 - All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it... - You know what? 512 00:34:53,394 --> 00:34:55,980 Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago... 513 00:34:56,064 --> 00:34:58,430 when you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin. 514 00:34:58,533 --> 00:35:00,577 Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay? 515 00:35:00,635 --> 00:35:03,934 But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you. 516 00:35:04,038 --> 00:35:07,599 You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure. 517 00:35:07,709 --> 00:35:11,338 Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger. 518 00:35:11,446 --> 00:35:14,407 - Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. - Thank you for your help. 519 00:35:14,449 --> 00:35:16,679 If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail. 520 00:35:16,784 --> 00:35:19,776 You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them. 521 00:35:19,887 --> 00:35:22,681 They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds. 522 00:35:22,724 --> 00:35:26,717 - What are you doing? Why are we slowing down? - Turned off my battery. 523 00:35:31,165 --> 00:35:34,623 Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something? 524 00:35:38,473 --> 00:35:39,735 Oh, shit. 525 00:35:47,682 --> 00:35:50,310 Oh! Oh, shit! 526 00:35:50,418 --> 00:35:52,648 Yeah! 527 00:35:52,754 --> 00:35:56,053 What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car. 528 00:35:57,258 --> 00:36:00,989 Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire! 529 00:36:01,095 --> 00:36:02,892 Come on! Let's get out of here. 530 00:36:12,373 --> 00:36:14,364 Hey, how much farther is it? 531 00:36:15,677 --> 00:36:18,510 Uh, it's, like, far. 532 00:36:18,613 --> 00:36:22,049 Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know? 533 00:36:22,150 --> 00:36:25,711 Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe. 534 00:36:31,492 --> 00:36:34,484 Man, he don't seem too bright. You sure he knows where he's going? 535 00:36:34,595 --> 00:36:36,790 I sure hope so. He's our only chance. 536 00:36:36,898 --> 00:36:40,425 How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway? 537 00:36:40,535 --> 00:36:44,801 He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either. 538 00:36:44,906 --> 00:36:47,466 He's a goddamned idiot. 539 00:36:47,575 --> 00:36:52,376 There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine. 540 00:37:10,665 --> 00:37:14,362 Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing. 541 00:37:14,469 --> 00:37:17,870 He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there. 542 00:37:17,972 --> 00:37:22,102 So if he mentions anything about a savings account, just play along, okay? 543 00:37:22,210 --> 00:37:24,110 Yeah, what if this time machine don't work? 544 00:37:24,212 --> 00:37:27,511 Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it. 545 00:37:32,286 --> 00:37:37,815 Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you. 546 00:37:38,926 --> 00:37:41,292 Welcome to Costco. I love you. 547 00:37:43,397 --> 00:37:47,197 Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here. 548 00:37:55,143 --> 00:37:57,475 We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going? 549 00:37:57,578 --> 00:38:01,070 Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here. 550 00:38:01,183 --> 00:38:03,116 In Costco? 551 00:38:03,217 --> 00:38:05,617 Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself. 552 00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:09,383 Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings. 553 00:38:10,825 --> 00:38:13,623 Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you... 554 00:38:13,728 --> 00:38:16,822 we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it. 555 00:38:26,575 --> 00:38:28,474 Hey, baby, wanna go out? 556 00:38:28,577 --> 00:38:31,136 Wanna go out, honey? 557 00:38:37,853 --> 00:38:40,480 Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldn't be long. 558 00:38:40,589 --> 00:38:44,319 Do I got time to use the bathroom? 559 00:38:46,527 --> 00:38:49,223 - Uh, the toilet. - Be right back. 560 00:38:50,131 --> 00:38:52,600 Yeah, back that thing up. 561 00:38:52,700 --> 00:38:54,998 - Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe? - What? 562 00:38:55,102 --> 00:38:56,933 - I like having sex with chicks. - Yeah? 563 00:38:57,038 --> 00:38:58,938 - Yeah. - I think everybody does, Frito. 564 00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:02,407 Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways. 565 00:39:02,511 --> 00:39:05,035 Then you just, like, back it up. And then you... 566 00:39:05,146 --> 00:39:07,341 - That's real good. - Then you... Oh, yeah! 567 00:39:07,448 --> 00:39:09,541 Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay? 568 00:39:09,650 --> 00:39:11,550 Warning! Warning! 569 00:39:11,652 --> 00:39:14,177 Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702. 570 00:39:14,288 --> 00:39:16,723 Hey! What about Rita? We can't just leave her here. 571 00:39:16,824 --> 00:39:19,054 I don't care. Come on! 572 00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:23,529 Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do? 573 00:39:23,632 --> 00:39:25,565 Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do. 574 00:39:25,666 --> 00:39:28,430 We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past... 575 00:39:28,537 --> 00:39:30,470 I tell her not to do the experiment. 576 00:39:30,571 --> 00:39:32,766 - Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? - Uh... 577 00:39:32,874 --> 00:39:34,842 - No, wait. - Please stand clear of the doors. 578 00:39:34,942 --> 00:39:37,741 She already is here. That must mean I didn't go back in time, right? 579 00:39:37,845 --> 00:39:41,042 Uh... - No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet. 580 00:39:41,148 --> 00:39:43,947 Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment. 581 00:39:44,051 --> 00:39:46,611 Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here. 582 00:39:46,721 --> 00:39:49,182 Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? - I... 583 00:39:49,223 --> 00:39:51,885 - But then, wait. Why am I still here? - Uh... 584 00:39:51,993 --> 00:39:53,961 Goddamn, how does this time travel work? 585 00:39:54,061 --> 00:39:57,929 - Please stand clear. - Freeze! Hands up! Don't move! 586 00:39:58,033 --> 00:40:00,728 - Put your hands up! - Don't move! Freeze! 587 00:40:10,878 --> 00:40:13,938 Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail... 588 00:40:14,049 --> 00:40:16,779 just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way... 589 00:40:16,884 --> 00:40:20,150 Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow! 590 00:40:20,254 --> 00:40:24,748 - What? - Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow. 591 00:40:24,860 --> 00:40:26,794 What? 592 00:40:26,894 --> 00:40:29,124 - Ow! God! Hey, stop! - Damn it. 593 00:40:31,066 --> 00:40:34,762 - What is this? - Okay, sir, this is the White House. 594 00:40:34,870 --> 00:40:37,168 - What are we doing at the White House? - What? 595 00:40:37,271 --> 00:40:39,569 Ow! Ow! Goddamn! 596 00:40:39,674 --> 00:40:43,132 It turned out the results of Joe's I.Q. test... 597 00:40:43,245 --> 00:40:47,340 had caught the attention of the highest levels of government. 598 00:40:47,449 --> 00:40:51,612 Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who? 599 00:40:51,720 --> 00:40:53,812 The I.Q. test you took in prison. 600 00:40:53,921 --> 00:40:56,685 You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 601 00:40:56,791 --> 00:40:59,692 Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter than President Camacho. 602 00:40:59,794 --> 00:41:02,559 That's how come he's making you secretary of interior. 603 00:41:02,663 --> 00:41:04,632 Okay, so who are you? 604 00:41:04,733 --> 00:41:06,462 I'm the secretary of energy. 605 00:41:06,567 --> 00:41:09,229 He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member. 606 00:41:09,337 --> 00:41:13,137 I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 607 00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:16,505 - Why do you keep saying that? - 'Cause they pay me every time I do. 608 00:41:16,610 --> 00:41:20,479 It's a really good way to make money. You're so smart, why don't you know that? 609 00:41:22,249 --> 00:41:24,809 - He's the secretary of defense. - Hi. 610 00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:27,888 And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general. 611 00:41:27,989 --> 00:41:30,321 Hi. 612 00:41:30,424 --> 00:41:32,586 And that's the secretary of education. 613 00:41:34,663 --> 00:41:38,030 He's kinda stupid, but he's President Camacho's stepbrother. 614 00:41:38,133 --> 00:41:40,362 Still, he does a pretty good job, eh? 615 00:41:40,468 --> 00:41:44,029 You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake... 616 00:41:44,139 --> 00:41:47,596 'cause the test I took was real, real easy. 617 00:41:47,708 --> 00:41:51,702 I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay? 618 00:41:56,017 --> 00:41:59,977 Okay, even if that were true, I can't be the secretary of the interior. 619 00:42:00,087 --> 00:42:03,546 - I don't even know what it is. - You better find out. 620 00:42:03,657 --> 00:42:06,525 - Sit down. It's President Camacho. - Hey, hey, hey, yo... 621 00:42:06,627 --> 00:42:10,586 I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby, so I need y'all to wait outside. 622 00:42:10,699 --> 00:42:15,635 Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion... 623 00:42:15,736 --> 00:42:19,695 porn superstar, and president of the United States... 624 00:42:19,808 --> 00:42:23,208 had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world. 625 00:42:23,310 --> 00:42:25,938 - So you smart, huh? - No, no. 626 00:42:29,383 --> 00:42:32,547 I thought your head would be bigger. 627 00:42:35,524 --> 00:42:37,651 Goddamn. 628 00:42:37,758 --> 00:42:40,124 It look like a peanut. 629 00:42:40,227 --> 00:42:42,161 Let's get you sworn in. 630 00:42:57,044 --> 00:43:00,411 Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America! 631 00:43:04,019 --> 00:43:06,487 President Camacho! 632 00:43:07,521 --> 00:43:10,285 Shut up. 633 00:43:10,392 --> 00:43:14,452 Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. 634 00:43:14,563 --> 00:43:16,120 Chill out. 635 00:43:20,367 --> 00:43:21,800 Shit. 636 00:43:24,105 --> 00:43:27,268 I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit. 637 00:43:27,374 --> 00:43:29,110 And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings. 638 00:43:29,146 --> 00:43:31,943 And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings. 639 00:43:32,047 --> 00:43:33,673 Yeah! 640 00:43:33,782 --> 00:43:36,683 - But I got a solution. - That's what you said last time, dipshit! 641 00:43:36,785 --> 00:43:38,685 I got a solution. You're a dick! 642 00:43:38,787 --> 00:43:41,380 South Carolina, "whassup?" 643 00:43:48,829 --> 00:43:52,060 That's what I thought! 644 00:43:54,870 --> 00:43:58,134 Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now... 645 00:43:58,240 --> 00:44:00,764 but listen up. 646 00:44:00,876 --> 00:44:03,640 I got a three-point plan to fix everything. 647 00:44:03,744 --> 00:44:05,234 Break it down, Camacho! 648 00:44:05,347 --> 00:44:10,546 Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure. 649 00:44:10,652 --> 00:44:15,486 Number two, he's got a higher I.Q. than any man alive. 650 00:44:15,589 --> 00:44:19,889 And number three, he's gonna fix everything. 651 00:44:19,995 --> 00:44:23,226 I give you my word as president. 652 00:44:23,330 --> 00:44:25,856 He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops. 653 00:44:25,966 --> 00:44:28,367 He's gonna make 'em grow again. 654 00:44:28,470 --> 00:44:33,430 - Crops? - And that ain't all. I give you my word. 655 00:44:35,509 --> 00:44:38,569 He's gonna fix the dust storms too. 656 00:44:40,315 --> 00:44:42,908 I give you my word. 657 00:44:43,018 --> 00:44:46,544 He's gonna fix the "ecomony." 658 00:44:48,657 --> 00:44:51,421 And he's so smart... 659 00:44:51,525 --> 00:44:56,724 he's gonna do it all in one week. 660 00:44:56,830 --> 00:45:00,391 President Camacho stood before the world and promised everyone... 661 00:45:00,502 --> 00:45:04,096 that Joe would solve all their problems. 662 00:45:04,206 --> 00:45:08,369 He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy... 663 00:45:08,475 --> 00:45:11,103 but he would cure acne and carsickness as well. 664 00:45:11,213 --> 00:45:13,476 And if he didn't... 665 00:45:13,582 --> 00:45:16,073 President Camacho made another promise. 666 00:45:16,183 --> 00:45:19,813 He would kick Joe's smart balls all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth. 667 00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:24,085 And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail. 668 00:45:28,495 --> 00:45:30,690 I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President. 669 00:45:30,799 --> 00:45:32,926 I don't know how to be secretary of anything. 670 00:45:33,033 --> 00:45:34,500 I mean, I've never even voted, actually. 671 00:45:34,603 --> 00:45:37,400 I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is. 672 00:45:37,504 --> 00:45:42,168 Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy. It beats jail, don't it? 673 00:45:42,277 --> 00:45:46,610 Besides, you do a kick-ass job... 674 00:45:46,715 --> 00:45:48,945 you get a full presidential pardon. 675 00:45:49,049 --> 00:45:50,949 - No jail time. - Yeah? 676 00:45:51,051 --> 00:45:54,681 Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer. 677 00:45:54,788 --> 00:45:56,848 And get you one too. 678 00:46:02,731 --> 00:46:04,756 Shit! 679 00:46:04,865 --> 00:46:07,333 Hold on, vato! 680 00:46:07,434 --> 00:46:09,163 Whoo! 681 00:46:29,758 --> 00:46:31,885 - Do somethin' smart. - Yeah. 682 00:46:33,260 --> 00:46:36,890 Uh, okay. Uh... 683 00:46:36,997 --> 00:46:40,058 I'll, uh... 684 00:46:40,167 --> 00:46:43,729 - Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted. - Oh, okay. Great, thanks. 685 00:46:43,837 --> 00:46:48,832 Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know, confer with my counsel. 686 00:46:48,943 --> 00:46:50,808 You understand? So I'll be right back. 687 00:46:50,911 --> 00:46:54,279 Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of. 688 00:46:54,381 --> 00:46:59,045 Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here. - Sounds pretty smart. 689 00:46:59,154 --> 00:47:01,121 Wait here, okay? Wait there. 690 00:47:01,222 --> 00:47:04,055 Dude, this is trepidatious. You got me a room at the White House. 691 00:47:04,159 --> 00:47:06,161 Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone. 692 00:47:06,227 --> 00:47:07,853 - Yeah? - Yeah. 693 00:47:07,962 --> 00:47:11,397 I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I brought you here to help me. 694 00:47:11,498 --> 00:47:14,160 I don't know the first thing about growin' crops... 695 00:47:14,269 --> 00:47:16,498 much less the goddamn "ecomony." 696 00:47:16,604 --> 00:47:18,538 Econ-Economy. 697 00:47:18,640 --> 00:47:21,574 Let's see. Growin' crops... 698 00:47:21,675 --> 00:47:25,338 No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine. 699 00:47:25,447 --> 00:47:29,610 Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff. 700 00:47:29,718 --> 00:47:31,743 It's, like... It's, like, by the museum... 701 00:47:31,853 --> 00:47:34,446 sort of, but, well, actually, not really. 702 00:47:34,556 --> 00:47:39,083 More like... But on the street. You go, um... Wait. Let me start over. 703 00:47:39,194 --> 00:47:41,058 Okay, you know where the time machine is? 704 00:47:41,161 --> 00:47:44,131 Hey. Just draw me a map, okay? 705 00:47:44,231 --> 00:47:46,860 You still want the money? 706 00:47:46,967 --> 00:47:49,800 Oh. If I had some money and a room at the White House... 707 00:47:49,904 --> 00:47:54,806 - I would be like, "It's mine, all night!" - Listen. Cut it out! 708 00:47:54,909 --> 00:47:57,707 Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay? 709 00:47:57,811 --> 00:48:00,042 - So act smart! - Smart like you? 710 00:48:00,148 --> 00:48:03,640 "Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home." 711 00:48:03,752 --> 00:48:06,549 - I don't talk like that. - "I don't talk like that." 712 00:48:06,654 --> 00:48:08,588 Shit, I thought there was two of you. 713 00:48:08,690 --> 00:48:10,487 See? 714 00:48:10,592 --> 00:48:13,152 Doesn't look that big, is it? 715 00:48:13,260 --> 00:48:16,388 Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops. 716 00:48:16,498 --> 00:48:20,490 Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area. 717 00:48:22,102 --> 00:48:24,799 All right? Hey, come on! 718 00:48:26,740 --> 00:48:31,303 Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. All right? 719 00:48:31,413 --> 00:48:34,745 Whoa. Did you just make that up? 720 00:48:34,848 --> 00:48:37,784 Yes, I did. Now look... 721 00:48:37,886 --> 00:48:40,480 I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately... 722 00:48:40,588 --> 00:48:42,988 - and Frito will give you a hand with it. - Why? 723 00:48:44,726 --> 00:48:49,857 Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential... integral... asset... 724 00:48:49,964 --> 00:48:54,765 you know, for our team, for us to, you know, utilize. 725 00:49:01,408 --> 00:49:04,310 Utilize her! Utilize her! 726 00:49:04,411 --> 00:49:06,505 Utilize! 727 00:49:06,614 --> 00:49:09,674 Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right? 728 00:49:09,783 --> 00:49:12,480 Oh, yeah. Butt first! 729 00:49:14,622 --> 00:49:17,324 - Utilize her! - Okay. 730 00:49:22,964 --> 00:49:26,331 Dang! May I approach your benches? 731 00:49:31,940 --> 00:49:34,568 Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad. 732 00:49:34,676 --> 00:49:37,509 Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this? 733 00:49:37,612 --> 00:49:41,048 Come on. Hustle over here, buddy. I wanna figure this out. 734 00:49:41,149 --> 00:49:44,949 See, uh, just not a lot of moisture. Have you got the map? 735 00:49:45,053 --> 00:49:47,021 - Oh, yeah. - Discreetly. 736 00:49:51,358 --> 00:49:54,123 - It's right there. - I see it. I see it. 737 00:49:54,229 --> 00:49:56,789 Stand up with me. 738 00:49:56,898 --> 00:50:00,766 Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They found that whore you wanted. 739 00:50:00,869 --> 00:50:03,860 Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on. 740 00:50:03,972 --> 00:50:08,238 No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out. 741 00:50:08,343 --> 00:50:10,334 Don't worry though. We'll get her out... 742 00:50:10,445 --> 00:50:13,744 on a work-release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her. 743 00:50:13,847 --> 00:50:17,044 Get your hands off me. What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field? 744 00:50:17,151 --> 00:50:19,483 What the fuck are you all starin' at? 745 00:50:19,587 --> 00:50:21,611 - Joe? - That's Not Sure, ma'am. 746 00:50:21,723 --> 00:50:25,625 - Secretary Not Sure. - Secretary? Secretary of what? 747 00:50:25,727 --> 00:50:30,323 Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together? Alone? 748 00:50:30,431 --> 00:50:34,834 You know, in the bushes? 749 00:50:36,571 --> 00:50:38,504 Oh, man. 750 00:50:47,081 --> 00:50:50,642 Fuck her, Joe! - Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out? 751 00:50:50,752 --> 00:50:52,777 No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah. 752 00:50:52,887 --> 00:50:56,118 I thought you was in jail. How'd you get to be the secretary of interior? 753 00:50:56,224 --> 00:50:58,522 Just keep walking. I'll explain everything. 754 00:51:07,302 --> 00:51:09,270 Okay. Get ready to run. 755 00:51:11,739 --> 00:51:14,367 - What? - Oh, goddamn it. 756 00:51:14,475 --> 00:51:17,273 Way to go, Frito. You know what? Just make a run for it anyways. 757 00:51:17,378 --> 00:51:19,312 We'll ask for directions on the way. 758 00:51:19,414 --> 00:51:22,577 No way. I spent the last two days looking for it. It ain't easy to find. 759 00:51:22,684 --> 00:51:25,653 Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems. 760 00:51:25,753 --> 00:51:28,881 All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me. 761 00:51:28,990 --> 00:51:32,357 Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible! 762 00:51:32,459 --> 00:51:35,190 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd... 763 00:51:35,296 --> 00:51:37,287 could somehow magically travel through time... 764 00:51:37,398 --> 00:51:40,833 we got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay? 765 00:51:40,935 --> 00:51:42,835 So don't worry. You're safe. 766 00:51:42,937 --> 00:51:46,100 And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back... 767 00:51:46,206 --> 00:51:48,835 you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay? 768 00:51:48,943 --> 00:51:53,380 And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend. 769 00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:57,577 Hey! She's not puttin' out? 770 00:51:57,685 --> 00:52:01,815 Uh, no, she is. We, uh-We already did it. 771 00:52:01,923 --> 00:52:04,414 Yeah. He was great. 772 00:52:06,628 --> 00:52:10,291 Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh... 773 00:52:10,398 --> 00:52:12,366 if we'd go family-style on her. 774 00:52:14,902 --> 00:52:18,359 Uh, yeah, probably not right now. 775 00:52:18,473 --> 00:52:21,931 We should focus on the crops. So let's get back to work. Maybe later. 776 00:52:29,050 --> 00:52:30,745 What the hell is this? 777 00:52:33,655 --> 00:52:37,523 - Tastes like Gatorade. - Is that that Brawndo stuff? 778 00:52:37,625 --> 00:52:41,356 They're watering crops with a sports drink? 779 00:52:43,031 --> 00:52:45,761 Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water... 780 00:52:45,867 --> 00:52:48,028 virtually everywhere. 781 00:52:48,136 --> 00:52:50,331 Water, the basic component of all life... 782 00:52:50,438 --> 00:52:53,430 had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin. 783 00:52:53,540 --> 00:52:57,033 The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330... 784 00:52:57,145 --> 00:53:01,980 when the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F.D.A... 785 00:53:02,083 --> 00:53:03,551 and the F.C.C... 786 00:53:03,651 --> 00:53:05,881 enabling them to say, do and sell... 787 00:53:05,987 --> 00:53:07,887 anything they wanted. 788 00:53:12,927 --> 00:53:15,555 Joe didn't know any of this... 789 00:53:15,663 --> 00:53:19,656 but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve. 790 00:53:19,767 --> 00:53:24,329 With his options running out, Joe took a bold step. 791 00:53:24,439 --> 00:53:26,566 He would not get out of the way. 792 00:53:26,674 --> 00:53:29,541 This time, he would lead. 793 00:53:29,644 --> 00:53:31,669 For the last time, I'm pretty sure... 794 00:53:31,779 --> 00:53:34,748 what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff. 795 00:53:34,850 --> 00:53:37,613 But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes. 796 00:53:37,719 --> 00:53:39,778 So wait a minute. What you're saying... 797 00:53:39,887 --> 00:53:43,688 is that you want us to put water on the crops. 798 00:53:43,791 --> 00:53:46,817 - Yes. - Water. Like out the toilet? 799 00:53:46,928 --> 00:53:50,921 Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea. 800 00:53:51,032 --> 00:53:54,365 - But Brawndo's got what plants crave. - It's got electrolytes. 801 00:53:54,469 --> 00:53:56,437 Okay, look. 802 00:53:56,537 --> 00:54:00,029 The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. 803 00:54:00,141 --> 00:54:04,806 Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow. 804 00:54:04,912 --> 00:54:08,609 Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet. 805 00:54:08,716 --> 00:54:11,981 Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world? 806 00:54:12,086 --> 00:54:16,045 You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. 807 00:54:16,157 --> 00:54:20,116 So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave? 808 00:54:20,228 --> 00:54:22,696 Brawndo's got what plants crave. 809 00:54:22,797 --> 00:54:25,322 - Goddamn it. - Yeah, it's got electrolytes. 810 00:54:25,433 --> 00:54:27,867 What are electrolytes? Do you even know? 811 00:54:27,969 --> 00:54:30,734 It's what they use to make Brawndo. 812 00:54:30,838 --> 00:54:33,466 Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo? 813 00:54:33,574 --> 00:54:36,134 'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes. 814 00:54:39,147 --> 00:54:43,584 After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason... 815 00:54:43,684 --> 00:54:46,744 and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants... 816 00:54:46,854 --> 00:54:49,482 and that they wanted water. 817 00:54:50,591 --> 00:54:52,923 He made believers out of everyone. 818 00:54:53,027 --> 00:54:56,589 Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes... 819 00:54:56,697 --> 00:55:00,656 were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades... 820 00:55:00,768 --> 00:55:03,499 killing plants and leading to the dust bowl. 821 00:55:03,604 --> 00:55:09,338 As secretary of the interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water... 822 00:55:09,443 --> 00:55:14,574 promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end. 823 00:55:14,682 --> 00:55:18,710 He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon. 824 00:55:18,820 --> 00:55:21,948 Or so it seemed. 825 00:55:23,057 --> 00:55:26,960 Man, I hope somethin' grows fast. 826 00:55:27,061 --> 00:55:29,052 Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home. 827 00:55:29,163 --> 00:55:32,758 Man. You really think those people would have starved to death? 828 00:55:34,302 --> 00:55:38,932 I don't know. I mean, how did the world ever get like this? 829 00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:42,908 You know things are bad when they're comin' to me for answers. 830 00:55:43,010 --> 00:55:45,774 - It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone. - Mm-hmm. 831 00:55:45,881 --> 00:55:48,110 - I'm not used to it. - Yeah. Me neither. 832 00:55:50,852 --> 00:55:54,583 You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits? 833 00:55:54,689 --> 00:55:57,249 Yeah. Hadn't thought of that. 834 00:55:57,359 --> 00:56:01,488 - Now you know why he built that bomb. - Yeah. 835 00:56:03,899 --> 00:56:06,093 Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops... 836 00:56:06,200 --> 00:56:08,465 - Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that. - No. No. 837 00:56:08,569 --> 00:56:11,595 They said that you got me a pardon. 838 00:56:11,706 --> 00:56:14,732 You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so... 839 00:56:16,043 --> 00:56:18,672 I guess I owe you one. 840 00:56:20,882 --> 00:56:24,443 You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to. 841 00:56:25,853 --> 00:56:30,017 Oh. No. I'm... I'm all right. Yeah. 842 00:56:30,124 --> 00:56:34,185 Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be too happy about that. 843 00:56:34,296 --> 00:56:35,957 You in bed with a stranger. 844 00:56:37,698 --> 00:56:39,963 Yeah. 845 00:56:42,870 --> 00:56:44,701 I know. I know. 846 00:56:46,807 --> 00:56:51,802 Yeah. Oh, boy. 847 00:56:59,754 --> 00:57:02,314 Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd. 848 00:57:02,424 --> 00:57:04,857 Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd. 849 00:57:04,960 --> 00:57:07,258 Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked. 850 00:57:07,361 --> 00:57:09,694 But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero... 851 00:57:09,797 --> 00:57:12,231 leaving half the population unemployed... 852 00:57:12,334 --> 00:57:16,030 dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting... 853 00:57:16,137 --> 00:57:18,072 and screaming for Joe's head. 854 00:57:18,172 --> 00:57:20,868 An emergency cabinet meeting was called... 855 00:57:20,976 --> 00:57:23,307 with the C.E.O. of the Brawndo Corporation. 856 00:57:23,411 --> 00:57:25,879 How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator? 857 00:57:25,981 --> 00:57:28,347 Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo. 858 00:57:28,450 --> 00:57:31,213 Not anymore! The stock has dropped to zero... 859 00:57:31,319 --> 00:57:33,480 and the computer did that auto-layoff thing to everybody. 860 00:57:33,587 --> 00:57:36,147 - We're all unemployed! - You think that makes the "ecomony" suck? 861 00:57:36,258 --> 00:57:40,318 - Why is this happening? - I think it's because we switched to water, but... 862 00:57:40,428 --> 00:57:42,919 - You mean this is all your fault? - What? 863 00:57:43,030 --> 00:57:46,864 Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started happening when we switched to water! 864 00:57:46,968 --> 00:57:50,870 Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 865 00:57:53,607 --> 00:57:55,404 Fox News. 866 00:57:58,647 --> 00:58:01,706 He tried taking water from toilets... 867 00:58:01,816 --> 00:58:05,753 but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now. 868 00:58:05,853 --> 00:58:07,754 And as history pulls down its pants... 869 00:58:07,855 --> 00:58:11,121 and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head... 870 00:58:11,225 --> 00:58:15,218 it will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time. 871 00:58:15,329 --> 00:58:19,527 We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis... 872 00:58:19,633 --> 00:58:23,502 at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial. 873 00:58:26,007 --> 00:58:30,205 Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow... 874 00:58:30,312 --> 00:58:33,872 with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk. 875 00:58:33,981 --> 00:58:38,078 Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me! 876 00:58:38,185 --> 00:58:40,177 That part of the trial sucked. 877 00:58:40,287 --> 00:58:42,949 But then, the chief "J" just went off. 878 00:58:43,058 --> 00:58:45,083 He said, "Man, whatever. 879 00:58:45,192 --> 00:58:47,786 The guy's guilty as shit. We all know that." 880 00:58:47,895 --> 00:58:51,661 And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabilitation. 881 00:58:51,766 --> 00:58:54,326 Hey, rehabilitation? One night? 882 00:58:54,436 --> 00:58:56,336 Doesn't sound so bad. 883 00:58:56,438 --> 00:58:58,302 Not so bad, huh? 884 00:58:58,406 --> 00:59:01,671 Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation. 885 00:59:12,653 --> 00:59:15,748 And who could forget that wonderful finish... 886 00:59:15,856 --> 00:59:18,347 by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones? 887 00:59:18,460 --> 00:59:22,156 And tomorrow night looks even more better. 888 00:59:22,264 --> 00:59:26,666 Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement. 889 00:59:26,767 --> 00:59:29,463 Wow. Thank you, Formica. 890 00:59:30,938 --> 00:59:33,930 So you think you can escape again like you did last time? 891 00:59:34,041 --> 00:59:36,840 - No. They pretty much fixed that. - How? 892 00:59:36,944 --> 00:59:39,209 They chained me to a big rock. 893 00:59:40,614 --> 00:59:42,514 - Oh. - Yeah. 894 00:59:42,616 --> 00:59:44,811 Look, Rita, get Frito. 895 00:59:44,920 --> 00:59:48,048 Get him to take you back to the time machine without me. Don't wait. 896 00:59:48,155 --> 00:59:52,182 No. You could have split on me before, but you didn't. 897 00:59:52,294 --> 00:59:55,695 Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay? 898 00:59:55,796 --> 00:59:58,356 Tell people to read books. 899 00:59:58,466 --> 01:00:00,559 Tell people to stay in school, you know. 900 01:00:00,669 --> 01:00:04,195 Tell people to just use their brains or something. 901 01:00:04,306 --> 01:00:07,503 I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me. 902 01:00:07,609 --> 01:00:12,204 I never did anything with my life. At least you were an artist, you know? 903 01:00:12,314 --> 01:00:14,873 - So just go back and... - Visit's over! 904 01:00:17,853 --> 01:00:21,310 And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay? 905 01:00:22,858 --> 01:00:24,825 Good luck, Joe. 906 01:00:32,032 --> 01:00:34,900 Okay, that's five down and one more to go. 907 01:00:35,002 --> 01:00:38,699 Are you ready for a monster-truck duel to the death? 908 01:00:38,807 --> 01:00:42,333 Yeah! Let's give it up for the Guitar Army. 909 01:00:44,446 --> 01:00:46,413 Okay, we're gonna do this shit. 910 01:00:46,515 --> 01:00:49,677 But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem... 911 01:00:49,783 --> 01:00:54,551 the star of Ow! My Balls! Hormel Chavez! 912 01:00:54,656 --> 01:00:57,590 Thank you. Thank you. 913 01:00:57,691 --> 01:01:02,686 Hey! Come here! 914 01:01:02,796 --> 01:01:06,357 Come here! 915 01:01:06,468 --> 01:01:08,368 Right in the balls! 916 01:01:08,470 --> 01:01:13,270 That's just how that shit went on TV! 917 01:01:13,375 --> 01:01:17,606 This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator. 918 01:01:17,711 --> 01:01:19,611 After you've killed someone... 919 01:01:19,713 --> 01:01:21,648 - your body needs electrolytes. - Yeah. 920 01:01:21,750 --> 01:01:25,049 So, my car's out front... 921 01:01:25,152 --> 01:01:27,417 whenever you want me to take you... 922 01:01:27,521 --> 01:01:29,751 to the time machine. 923 01:01:29,858 --> 01:01:31,791 Thanks, Frito. 924 01:01:31,892 --> 01:01:33,986 - Yeah. - I can't hear you! 925 01:01:34,094 --> 01:01:37,291 That's a real bummer about Joe, huh? 926 01:01:37,399 --> 01:01:39,993 - I can't hear you! - Yeah. 927 01:01:40,100 --> 01:01:45,561 Oh! Can you turn this up? I love Rehabilitation. 928 01:01:57,084 --> 01:02:01,545 Okay. Let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight. 929 01:02:01,655 --> 01:02:04,954 With a combined record of 62 kills... 930 01:02:05,060 --> 01:02:09,895 please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the Dildozer! 931 01:02:15,704 --> 01:02:21,472 And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blaster! 932 01:02:21,575 --> 01:02:23,544 I get a truck too, right? 933 01:02:23,645 --> 01:02:26,375 Yeah. Here it comes. 934 01:02:36,024 --> 01:02:37,992 Get in. 935 01:02:42,496 --> 01:02:44,863 You still got the chain attached. 936 01:02:47,067 --> 01:02:49,627 - Door won't shut. - What about the chain? 937 01:02:49,738 --> 01:02:51,705 - We could break it. - No. He could escape. 938 01:02:51,805 --> 01:02:55,366 - I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk. - Yeah. That'll work. 939 01:02:58,947 --> 01:03:02,508 - Who's smart now? - Let's bring out our criminal. 940 01:03:02,616 --> 01:03:05,744 He tried to ruin the country by pouring toilet water on crops. 941 01:03:05,854 --> 01:03:08,253 He cost millions of people their jobs. 942 01:03:08,355 --> 01:03:11,689 Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Sure! 943 01:03:23,705 --> 01:03:26,071 Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die. 944 01:03:26,173 --> 01:03:29,075 Are you ready for some car-on-car action? 945 01:03:29,176 --> 01:03:31,145 Yes. 946 01:03:32,247 --> 01:03:35,080 - I can't watch this. - This is... 947 01:03:35,182 --> 01:03:39,676 This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry. 948 01:03:41,488 --> 01:03:45,390 Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look! 949 01:03:45,492 --> 01:03:47,961 He was right. The water... it worked. 950 01:03:48,063 --> 01:03:50,690 Frito, can you get me over there? 951 01:03:51,665 --> 01:03:53,566 Yes. 952 01:03:53,667 --> 01:03:56,660 No, you fuckin' moron. To the Rehabilitation place. 953 01:03:56,770 --> 01:03:58,795 - Uh, this way. - Yeah! 954 01:04:03,378 --> 01:04:05,278 Come on, Frito. Hurry! 955 01:04:05,380 --> 01:04:08,406 And now the dude that everybody came here to see... 956 01:04:08,515 --> 01:04:12,111 - Yeah! - the only undefeated officer ever in history... 957 01:04:12,219 --> 01:04:15,747 coming out of retirement just to pound Not Sure's ass... 958 01:04:15,857 --> 01:04:20,816 driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history... 959 01:04:20,929 --> 01:04:24,796 Bigger than the Dildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster... 960 01:04:24,899 --> 01:04:28,925 bigger and huger than everything ever before in history... 961 01:04:29,037 --> 01:04:31,971 The brand-new Assdozer! 962 01:04:32,072 --> 01:04:34,769 Give it up for Beef Supreme! 963 01:04:38,345 --> 01:04:40,246 Oh! 964 01:04:46,253 --> 01:04:48,187 Oh! 965 01:05:02,570 --> 01:05:05,834 Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh? 966 01:05:05,940 --> 01:05:08,431 We seem to be "experimenting"... 967 01:05:08,543 --> 01:05:11,841 some "techmological" differences... 968 01:05:11,946 --> 01:05:13,845 so, uh, shit. 969 01:05:13,948 --> 01:05:17,314 Frito, look! 970 01:05:17,419 --> 01:05:19,614 - It's working everywhere! - Huh. 971 01:05:19,721 --> 01:05:23,781 Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks. 972 01:05:23,892 --> 01:05:27,020 - Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was... - Man. 973 01:05:27,127 --> 01:05:29,152 - Hey! - Oh, oh, okay. 974 01:05:29,264 --> 01:05:31,459 - Get this shit started! - We're gonna start without Beef Supreme. 975 01:05:31,566 --> 01:05:35,297 Let the rehabilitation begin! 976 01:05:44,846 --> 01:05:47,406 Oh, shit. 977 01:05:47,514 --> 01:05:50,415 Come on. Come on. 978 01:05:50,517 --> 01:05:52,986 Come on, Frito. Hurry! 979 01:05:55,623 --> 01:05:58,319 Oh! 980 01:06:03,031 --> 01:06:04,554 Goddamn it. 981 01:06:06,968 --> 01:06:10,836 - Yeah! - Jesus, that was close. 982 01:06:13,340 --> 01:06:16,242 Mr. President! Mr. President, I need to talk to you. 983 01:06:16,343 --> 01:06:18,637 You gotta stop this thing. He was right about the water. 984 01:06:18,646 --> 01:06:21,546 We passed some crops on the way here. They're growing. 985 01:06:21,649 --> 01:06:23,548 I didn't see no crops. 986 01:06:24,686 --> 01:06:26,380 They're circling around. 987 01:06:26,488 --> 01:06:29,013 They're gonna do the Malachi Crunch on him! 988 01:06:31,659 --> 01:06:35,060 - This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody. - Oh! 989 01:06:55,884 --> 01:06:58,875 So, uh-So the winner is, uh... 990 01:07:00,688 --> 01:07:03,885 - You gotta be shittin' me. - Did he win? 991 01:07:06,760 --> 01:07:08,956 Uh-oh. Look. 992 01:07:10,832 --> 01:07:14,563 Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme! 993 01:07:21,910 --> 01:07:23,673 Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah! 994 01:07:23,777 --> 01:07:28,044 Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road... 995 01:07:28,148 --> 01:07:30,777 - right by the Starbucks? - Uh-huh. 996 01:07:30,885 --> 01:07:34,981 - Hey. Wanna make some money? - I like money. 997 01:07:49,203 --> 01:07:53,503 Hey, um, the, uh... the main screen is malfunctioning... 998 01:07:53,608 --> 01:07:56,133 and they gonna need you outside immediately. 999 01:07:59,347 --> 01:08:02,373 There's a bunch of whores in the hallway. 1000 01:08:05,553 --> 01:08:08,044 Come on, Frito. Hurry. 1001 01:08:09,123 --> 01:08:11,215 Can't believe you like money too. 1002 01:08:11,326 --> 01:08:13,817 - We should hang out. - Totally. 1003 01:08:39,153 --> 01:08:41,178 He's behind the truck! 1004 01:08:43,291 --> 01:08:46,054 Yes! Yes! 1005 01:08:47,428 --> 01:08:49,513 - He's behind the fucking truck! - He's over there! 1006 01:08:49,597 --> 01:08:51,656 Behind the truck, stupid! 1007 01:09:01,976 --> 01:09:03,568 Look! 1008 01:09:05,780 --> 01:09:09,341 Shit. That's a good deal. 1009 01:09:09,450 --> 01:09:13,944 - Extra foam. - I got a bunch of money too. 1010 01:09:14,055 --> 01:09:16,683 - Forgot what it was for. - Huh. 1011 01:09:17,959 --> 01:09:21,759 - You think it was for lattes? - Yeah. Probably. 1012 01:09:21,863 --> 01:09:26,129 - You like money and sex? You're trippin' me out. - What the fuck? 1013 01:09:28,369 --> 01:09:30,599 - Yeah! - Yeah! 1014 01:09:40,248 --> 01:09:44,116 Just hold on, okay? Everyone just take it easy, okay? 1015 01:09:44,218 --> 01:09:46,118 Can I just say something here? 1016 01:09:48,523 --> 01:09:51,458 I don't even know what I'm guilty of here. 1017 01:09:51,559 --> 01:09:55,461 I never said that I was the smartest person on earth. You people did. 1018 01:09:55,563 --> 01:09:59,226 I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money... 1019 01:09:59,333 --> 01:10:01,460 and I'm very sorry that that happened. 1020 01:10:01,569 --> 01:10:03,595 But I'm tellin' you... 1021 01:10:03,705 --> 01:10:06,071 if you put water on the crops, it might actually... 1022 01:10:06,174 --> 01:10:09,166 No, it will work. I promise you! 1023 01:10:09,277 --> 01:10:13,680 You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all. 1024 01:10:13,781 --> 01:10:18,616 So you can try and shoot me. You can try and run me over, whatever. 1025 01:10:18,720 --> 01:10:22,178 But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first. 1026 01:10:23,391 --> 01:10:25,916 Do you really want to live in a world... 1027 01:10:26,027 --> 01:10:29,519 where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you? 1028 01:10:40,374 --> 01:10:42,604 Hold on. Just hold on. 1029 01:11:03,998 --> 01:11:06,194 Oh, man. That was great. 1030 01:11:06,300 --> 01:11:09,963 Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there? 1031 01:11:10,071 --> 01:11:13,472 Shit. What do I look like, a pants goblin? 1032 01:11:13,574 --> 01:11:16,907 Wait. This reminds me of something. 1033 01:11:17,011 --> 01:11:19,878 "Uh," Rehabil-Rehabilate... 1034 01:11:19,981 --> 01:11:23,178 - "Rehabilation." - Why do you keep trying to read that word? 1035 01:11:23,285 --> 01:11:26,811 - You a fag? - I'll fag your face! 1036 01:11:35,463 --> 01:11:38,489 - Come on, Frito. - Yeah. I don't think so. 1037 01:11:39,867 --> 01:11:42,335 Oh, yeah. 1038 01:12:23,845 --> 01:12:28,305 This guy just got his ass a pardon! 1039 01:12:36,324 --> 01:12:38,088 Yeah! 1040 01:12:52,374 --> 01:12:55,809 Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say. 1041 01:12:55,911 --> 01:12:59,175 You saved my life. No one's ever done anything like that for me. 1042 01:12:59,281 --> 01:13:01,180 Yeah, well... 1043 01:13:01,283 --> 01:13:04,309 you were looking out for the whole world so, you know... 1044 01:13:04,418 --> 01:13:08,115 - I thought someone should look out for you too. - Thanks. 1045 01:13:09,724 --> 01:13:12,090 I can't believe I'm even saying this, but... 1046 01:13:12,194 --> 01:13:14,184 even though these people tried to kill me... 1047 01:13:14,296 --> 01:13:17,753 you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em. - Yeah. 1048 01:13:17,865 --> 01:13:20,698 Frito... he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine. 1049 01:13:20,801 --> 01:13:24,032 I just, uh... I hope he's okay to drive. 1050 01:13:25,473 --> 01:13:28,602 It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show. 1051 01:13:28,709 --> 01:13:31,007 Thank you so much. 1052 01:13:31,112 --> 01:13:36,277 - Uh, Joe, I'm not going. - What? 1053 01:13:38,085 --> 01:13:41,953 I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again. 1054 01:13:42,057 --> 01:13:44,024 Maybe it's time I got a new start. 1055 01:13:44,125 --> 01:13:48,256 Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here. 1056 01:13:48,362 --> 01:13:51,024 - I'm gonna be a C.E.O. - At Starbucks? 1057 01:13:51,132 --> 01:13:53,966 - Yeah. - Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right? 1058 01:13:55,636 --> 01:13:59,037 Yeah. Sure. 1059 01:13:59,140 --> 01:14:00,971 I guess this is good-bye then. 1060 01:14:02,843 --> 01:14:05,073 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 1061 01:14:05,179 --> 01:14:07,648 I got a couple presidential decrees to make! 1062 01:14:07,683 --> 01:14:09,343 I got a couple presidential decrees to make! 1063 01:14:09,451 --> 01:14:13,682 Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is. 1064 01:14:16,290 --> 01:14:18,520 Let me get that little peanut head up here. 1065 01:14:18,627 --> 01:14:21,390 Yo. Yo. 1066 01:14:21,495 --> 01:14:23,429 I have decided... 1067 01:14:23,532 --> 01:14:26,056 to make this man... 1068 01:14:26,167 --> 01:14:29,103 The man who solved all our problems... 1069 01:14:30,438 --> 01:14:33,100 I have decided to make him... 1070 01:14:33,207 --> 01:14:35,505 my new vice president. 1071 01:14:38,045 --> 01:14:41,276 Mr. President, thanks. That's real cool of you, sir... 1072 01:14:41,383 --> 01:14:45,250 - but I can't accept it, sir. - What? Why? 1073 01:14:45,353 --> 01:14:50,086 - You know, I gotta get home. - But we still got all these problems. 1074 01:14:50,192 --> 01:14:53,183 Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves. 1075 01:14:53,295 --> 01:14:55,763 - How? - Think about it, you know? 1076 01:14:55,863 --> 01:14:58,923 You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops. 1077 01:14:59,034 --> 01:15:03,561 But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"? 1078 01:15:03,672 --> 01:15:09,508 And what about the nuc... "nucular" reactor in Florida? 1079 01:15:09,610 --> 01:15:12,078 It's broke and leaky and something's happening. 1080 01:15:12,179 --> 01:15:17,549 - I thought it was in Georgia. - Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass. 1081 01:15:17,651 --> 01:15:20,712 Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put toilet water on it. Huh? 1082 01:15:20,821 --> 01:15:23,881 - Yeah! - Good, good. That's a good idea. 1083 01:15:23,991 --> 01:15:26,687 - Like we did on the crops. - Come on, vato. 1084 01:15:26,795 --> 01:15:29,092 Hey, you can't leave. 1085 01:15:29,196 --> 01:15:35,135 Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh? 1086 01:15:45,913 --> 01:15:50,316 I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I? You know what? 1087 01:15:50,418 --> 01:15:53,319 - Forget about the time machine. - Yeah! 1088 01:15:57,359 --> 01:16:00,759 That ride sucks anyways. 1089 01:16:00,861 --> 01:16:02,988 Ride? 1090 01:16:06,468 --> 01:16:08,936 Welcome to the Time Masheen. 1091 01:16:09,036 --> 01:16:13,530 We are going to take you back, first to the year 1939... 1092 01:16:13,642 --> 01:16:16,133 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime... 1093 01:16:16,243 --> 01:16:19,304 enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world. 1094 01:16:19,413 --> 01:16:22,007 So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time? 1095 01:16:22,117 --> 01:16:25,609 Yeah. You thought you could really travel through time, huh? 1096 01:16:25,719 --> 01:16:28,085 - Yeah, I guess I did. - Yeah. 1097 01:16:28,190 --> 01:16:31,125 For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes. 1098 01:16:31,226 --> 01:16:36,129 - So why didn't you tell us? - 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry. 1099 01:16:36,231 --> 01:16:40,031 But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money. 1100 01:16:40,135 --> 01:16:43,627 You know, 'cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account. 1101 01:16:43,737 --> 01:16:46,673 Uh, uh, uh... 1102 01:16:46,775 --> 01:16:49,538 Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay. 1103 01:16:51,078 --> 01:16:53,012 Well, I guess we're stuck here. 1104 01:16:53,114 --> 01:16:58,211 But then an even greater force emerged... the "UN." 1105 01:16:58,320 --> 01:17:02,356 And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever. 1106 01:17:02,391 --> 01:17:02,618 And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever. 1107 01:17:02,791 --> 01:17:06,283 And so, after serving a short term as vice president... 1108 01:17:06,393 --> 01:17:09,692 Joe was elected the president of America. 1109 01:17:09,798 --> 01:17:11,958 Frito became vice president... 1110 01:17:12,067 --> 01:17:15,229 and Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady. 1111 01:17:15,337 --> 01:17:18,829 Today I step into the shoes of a great man... 1112 01:17:18,939 --> 01:17:23,069 a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo... 1113 01:17:23,178 --> 01:17:27,170 Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. 1114 01:17:27,282 --> 01:17:31,411 Under President Not Sure's leadership, a new era dawned. 1115 01:17:31,520 --> 01:17:35,354 You know, there was a time in this country... 1116 01:17:35,457 --> 01:17:39,723 when smart people were considered cool. 1117 01:17:39,828 --> 01:17:42,762 Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things... 1118 01:17:42,863 --> 01:17:46,925 like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon. 1119 01:17:47,034 --> 01:17:48,558 Yeah! 1120 01:17:50,704 --> 01:17:54,902 And there was a time in this country, a long time ago... 1121 01:17:55,010 --> 01:17:57,410 when reading wasn't just for fags... 1122 01:17:57,511 --> 01:17:59,776 and neither was writing. 1123 01:17:59,880 --> 01:18:03,977 People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories... 1124 01:18:04,084 --> 01:18:08,385 so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting. 1125 01:18:08,490 --> 01:18:11,947 And I believe that time can come again! 1126 01:18:23,872 --> 01:18:27,466 Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure! 1127 01:18:31,313 --> 01:18:33,280 Joe and Rita had three children... 1128 01:18:33,380 --> 01:18:36,179 the three smartest kids in the world. 1129 01:18:37,319 --> 01:18:39,810 Vice President Frito took eight wives... 1130 01:18:39,920 --> 01:18:42,355 and had a total of 32 kids... 1131 01:18:42,456 --> 01:18:45,687 Thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth. 1132 01:18:50,931 --> 01:18:54,095 Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind... 1133 01:18:54,201 --> 01:18:56,636 but he got the ball rolling... 1134 01:18:56,738 --> 01:19:00,538 and that's pretty good for an average guy. 1135 01:19:01,305 --> 01:20:01,892 Watch any video online with Open-SUBTITLES Free Browser extension: osdb.link/ext